Over the years, or more to the point, with each passing birthday, my singleness and desire to be otherwise have, more often than not, driven a wedge between me and my God. As my last birthday approached, I realized that in a whole new way as I grieved my singleness, yet again. After the torrent of tears subsided, I saw, with fresh (and swollen) eyes just how much of a hold this dream...this desire...had on me, and how much it had destroyed. So, letting this die is also a desperate attempt to salvage what is left of my walk with God...and allow Him to start rebuilding and reordering and redefining the life I've squandered in stubbornness and selfishness.
What I am NOT saying is that God can't still, at some point in the future, bring a husband and family to me. God can do anything and will do whatever He chooses, no matter how many decisions I make or dreams I attempt to put an end to.
What I am saying is that, thus far, He is not and has not given me any reason to construe the past 22 years as anything but a series of closing doors, and so, for the sake of my relationship with my Savior (and my sanity) I am accepting those closed doors, those implied "No's" and getting about the business of living instead of waiting.
Now that marriage is no longer a foregone conclusion, I must now move forward and make decisions for my future (instead of decisions that just tide me over until my husband comes). Those decisions involve housing, retirement, choosing a career, and basically learning to live in a way that is aimed solely Godward instead of "husbandward".
But, first, I grieve...still.
Earlier today, I was sharing some of this with a friend. After I'd typed a good bit, I thought "he really isn't coming" and got a bit choked up. All my life, I always assumed "he" would...one day. "He" has been a near constant companion...someone I look out for, expectantly. But, it would seem "He" was simply a figment of my imagination and a stumbling block on the road towards the life God has for me. I wish I could just "kick him to the curb" and move on right this minute. But, I can't. I'm not there yet. But, by God's grace, I will be...soon.