Yesterday was just downright good. I felt confident in the sacrifice God had called me to, encouraged by the confirmation He'd given through my daily readings and worship songs, and generally at peace with the whole thing. That is not to say there wasn't grief, but it was grief within the context of the reality of a sovereign God who cares for me and will give me "His best for what I thought was better." It was grief with hope...that this wouldn't hurt for ever...the loss wouldn't feel as deep as it does...that it will all be ok. Really.
But, as is always the way when we attempt to do hard things for the sake of God's glory, the enemy of our souls is there to try and do what he does: lie, steal and destroy.
It started early, thoughts whispered, images flashing in moments when I was alone and it was quiet. Thoughts and images that said, "you blew it", "you had a chance, then", "if only you'd...", "if only you hadn't...".
Still, like any good lie, there were dashes of truth thrown in. Memories of my own sin and failings and weaknesses and doubts and fears and selfishness. Even still...
"Coincidentally", this was in my reading this morning...
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly troubled... Turn, O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
And He did.
And, so it begins...the fight of faith. Not faith in a thing or an outcome or a favorable circumstance or even for ease, but faith in the One who bore my sins on the cross and bears my burdens, even now...One who is greater than the one who would lie, steal and destroy the gifts God has, is and will give me...and One who has promised to never leave or forsake me.
Bring, it, hater. ;)
I'm resolved. My face is set like flint. And, even when I'm not, I can say "But, God is!"