Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Slight Detour...maybe?

I am not just trying to build suspense here… really...I just felt I needed to get “off topic” for a bit right and record this.

I had a bit of a whiney moment last night.

It had been a rough day, what with the car not starting (again) and walking into a crisis at work, and having the same headache I’d had since lunchtime the day before. I was also thinking and praying about 3 or 4 different situations with friends that all had my heart a bit heavy. By the end of the night, I was spent. I couldn’t even muster pleasantries as I left my covenant group (like a cell group) meeting. I kissed the few people that were in my path and headed out the door.

Had I been successful in leaving just then, I might still be feeling spent …and still be whining. Thankfully, my covenant group leader stopped me before I could get in my car. As we talked he asked me “Are you feeling spent spiritually or physically?” I couldn’t really answer that, so I had to concede that it was both. As I talked and tried to explain why, I listed the things I’ve been having to fight, the heaviness I often feel for those I am walking with, etc. Though the Lord has been victorious and I wouldn’t trade feeling others burdens for where I was before…still in that moment all I could see was the hardness of it all.

As I drove home, my group leader’s question rang in my head. It really made me think about my response to what the Lord has been doing in me, especially in the area of my relationships…and I had to ask myself if I might not be trying to carry too much of it on my own…fighting too much on my own. I didn’t think I was at first. I mean, I have been praying more than I have in my entire life, actively…daily… trying to submit to the Lord and be led by the Spirit…but somehow, stuff still winds up in my hands and on my shoulders.

Regardless…of how it happens or why it happens or how often it happens…how dare I complain that I have been required to fight? I AM fighting and the Lord is being victorious over more and more things in my life. That is amazing! A miracle really. How dare I complain about feeling the weight of others burdens…when not too long ago *I* was the center of my universe?!?!?

So stupid.

And how kind of the Lord to show me this despite my stupidity…to encourage me…to reveal this manifestation of self-sufficiency though I was unaware of it…to orchestrate a conversation that got me thinking and able to receive correction…and stop focusing on the “bad” and see the good.

Which reminds me of another nugget from Proverbs 16…
Whoever gives thought to the matter will discover good,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD (Proverbs 16:20).

So maybe this wasn’t so much of a detour after all. :)

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