Thursday, December 4, 2008

Keepin' it real...

In my last post, I alluded to a "rough patch". That description is an understatement. I could spend a lot of time bemoaning all of the reasons for this "rough patch" and try to garner your sympathy and somehow justify my response, but, the truth is neither has a place here. My response was sinful, and as Mr. Spurgeon reminded me yesterday I should have nothing to do with sin.

I am thankful for this new clarity of vision and thought, because honestly, up until a week or so ago things were really muddy...and surrounded by food, mostly.

The eye-opening moment for me was one day last week when I was finishing "dinner", which consisted of: 3 pieces of fried chicken, a small mashed potatoes, a large red beans & rice, a biscuit, large french fries, and a large frosty.

Hey...I didn't title this post "Keepin' it real" for nothing!

I scarfed what could have been dinner for about 3 people down in front of the TV, then, somewhere around the middle of my frosty, I broke down crying.

"What am I doing?"
"Am I really back there again?" ("There" being how I ate before the Lord changed my eating habits in 2004.)

The answer was "yes"...and "no".

Yes, this meal was very similar to what had once been a standard dinner for me. But, prior to 2004, I never broke down after diving into the pool of gluttony with reckless abandon.

So, what changed?

In 2004, I turned a corner, or so I thought. I started this blog to chronicle the work God was doing and the victory He was working in me. At the time, I (perhaps arrogantly) thought that God would use it to encourage others who struggled with gluttony, and perhaps steer them away from solutions that do not involve repentance and dependance on Him. I, pridefully, believed that because the way God was leading me was better than, say, pills or surgery or starvation that I was guaranteed success and my story wouldn't be like all those I had previously read on-line: thin gluttons, folks who cut out half their stomach yet still sinned with food, people who looked different outwardly but were the same inwardly. I didn't want that and I was certain I would be different.

For a while, this was actually true. I was different. The fruit of change was evident in pretty much every area of my life. The discipline God wrought in me regarding food spilled over into my bible study, my prayer life, my interaction with family, how I kept my home, how I handled my finances, even my thought life. On top of all of that, over time I lost about 100 pounds.

Then, slowly, gradually, one deceptive compromise after another I found myself crying over a frosty...50 lbs heavier...and feeling like I'd undone every victory God had won for me.

But God...

(To Be Continued)

1 comment:

  1. I know the binge. I know what you're talking about. I've been there. I can choose to be there again in a couple of steps. I know how much I need to depend on God in this.
    I know the pain of the binge. The explosion of flavor at the beginning, the coming down from the high in the middle, the empty feeling at the end. Even though you are stuffed, you are emptier than before. I understand this battle....keep fighting the good fight.
    This is where God works. In a heart of humility, and desire. HE WILL FINISH THIS WORK IN YOU TINA! You are destined to be a healthy weight and free from the pull of food!
    Stay real, open and honest. I'm here for you if you ever wanna talk. Don't loose hope or faith.
    He has given you eyes to see the unseen. Ask and it will be given. God is placing in you right motives....

    Love and hugs....carebear