This week I took off of work to teach Vacation Bible School at my church...I also volunteered to take my nephew and neices for the week as well. I haven't had time to do much of anything that isn't directly related to VBS or taking care of the kids. In fact, this is the first time that both babies were taking a nap at the same time...so here I am making use of the time (and trying to occupy myself so I don't take a nap as well.)
Despite the rough start to the week with my nephew and the less than restful nights, I really am going to be sad when this week is over. I feel like this is what I was made for...though this week has more than confirmed that I would never want to be a single parent. Having a daddy to send them to when they refuse to stop fussing or just an extra set of hands to help get the kids in and out of the car along with all of their stuff would have been priceless this week.
Nevertheless, I will miss the smiles and cuddles in the morning, having others to care for, and even having to clean bottles and juggle sleeping toddler, baby carrier, purse and diaper bag (not to mention my vbs supplies) in the summer heat.
This week has been less spiritual than normal...I have had less time to spend with the Lord, less time to spend in specific and purposeful prayer and less time to even think spiritually...its all been reflex and response, really. But sitting still last night during bible study showed me that it really was spiritual on many levels. The Lord showed me that I am self-reliant...yet also how many of my reflexes have been changed by His grace. He showed me how kind He was to keep marriage and children from me up to this point because of all He has done in me to make me a better wife and mother when that time comes. And, he showed me that all the preparation and learning about marriage and raising a family will ultimately do no good if I don't pray. I was deeply convicted on this score last night.
44 days ago, the Lord led me to both set aside and incorporate various things in my life. One of those things was praying about marriage and for my husband whomever he may be. I failed miserably. In fact there are many things I want badly, that are important to me that get very little prayer time. I was so overcome I had to leave the class and compose myself (and deal with my nose). It wasn't that I didn't pray about marriage and so I am no closer to it than I was last month that upset me...it was what the lack or inability to pray says about the condition of my heart and the reality of my faith. That was truly and profoundly disappointing.
A friend challenged me to look in scripture for verses that proclaim God's trustworthiness...as I caught up on my reading this morning I spotted at least 5 or 6. I "know" He is...I guess, though, somehow my mind has not been fully renewed in this department or something. And I also know that this isn't a back track or delay...but part of the plan so no time has been lost that He did not know about and plan for. I might not have really heard last night's message if I had been successful in praying during the 40-day thing. I am chosing to be grateful and determining to be faithful despite what I see...what I think...what I feel...what I can dream up or imagine...how much time passes...how slowly the weight comes off...how disinterested or unmotivated the men around me seem...how loudly my biological clock ticks...and no matter how severely my heart aches when I have to return the kiddos to their rightful owners.