Ch...Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes.

Oh my goodness, has it been crazy!

Seriously! You have no idea!

I took a new position at work (which I think will be a really good thing for everyone...I hope, anyway). I've basically been living and breathing and sleeping and dreaming about the job. Last night, I met some friends for coffee and though I was enjoying the company and conversation, I was thining of things I needed to do and new techniques and so on.

I'm sure it will calm down...and I'll have something more substantive and interesting if not mildly amusing to say again soon. In fact, I guarantee that in the coming weeks there will be a new post of such epic comedic proportions that I will win an award...or laugh alone in my room. One or the other.

Stay tuned.

Interview with a 3 year old.

Good afternoon, everyone.
Today, I have the great pleasure of interviewing my 3 year old niece, also known as "the diva".
Our interview takes place on the counter of my parent's kitchen. The Diva is sitting on the counter in her panties...and nothing else. This is generally her outfit of choice.

She has dimples, so she can get away with it.

Me: Hello, diva, how are you?
D: (Smiles. Shows dimples. Holds up 3 fingers.) Um, I three years old. And are you have a paper here? (Grabs mouse.) What is this? I can play on the 'puter? I three years old.
Me. Ok. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Let TiTi ask you some more questions. Ok?
D. K. (Shows dimples again.)
Me: So, what is your favorite color?
D: Pink. (Picks up the phone) Are this your phone?
Me: No. So, what is your favorite animal?
D: Um, the pink.
Me: Pink is a color. What is your favorite animal?
D: Um, a giraffe. (spies donut box) Can I have a donut?
Me: After we're done.
What is your favorite food?
D: Um, red beans. (picking up a picture) Um, TiTi, dis is Sharnay.
Me: Yes, I know.

Then there was a knock on the door and then there was cake. So the interview was ubruptly over.

Hide and Seek

"Dear reader, you must realize that God has only one desire... His desire is to give Himself to the soul that really loves Him and to that soul which earnestly seeks Him. And yet it is true that this God who desires to give Himself to you will often conceal Himself from you - from you, the very one who seeks Him! Now why would God do that? Dear saint of God, you must learn the ways of your Lord. Yours is a God who often hides Himself. He hides Himself for a purpose. Why? His purpose is to rouse you from spiritual laziness. His purpose in removing [the sense of His presence] from you is to cause you to pursue Him." -- from 'Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ' by Madame Guyon

HT: Andrea

There is a way...

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. (Proverbs 14:12)

My friend Casey is one of the most encouraging people I know. First, I know she loves me...so that's a great foundation for encouragement. But more than that, no matter what I say or how I say it, she always manages to look up at me with those big, bright blue eyes and say something just plain sweet and noble, true, pure, lovely, admirable or praiseworthy (Phillipians 4:8). She doesn't just help me to see some phanthom silver lining, she encourages me to believe the best about God, His portion for me, and hope in what is unseen.

And did I mention she's just plain sweet?

Well, she is.

Anyway, she did it again tonight. She asked about a particular area of struggle for me: my weight. And though I feel like I'm doing worse than I have in a very long time, she lifted me up and made me not only feel encouraged about what God is doing in me right now, but hopeful that He will do something more specifically in this area.

I just love her.

As I drove home, I thought over our conversation and her encouragement and what I felt the Lord communicating to me through all of this. It was a basically this: There is a way.

Lately, I feel like I've been falling into the trap of making my efforts to combat sin about the method. My battle with food is the food (types, quantities, frequency, cravings). My battle with singleness is with the desire to be married or with making myself marryable. In any given moment, my battle with worry and anxiety is with the particular circumstance.

This just isn't true.

My battle with sin is not betweeen me and food or me and singless or me and a person or me and a circumstance, it is between me and the Lord. When I indulge or otherwise try to satiate myself or order my circumstances, I am trying to control and order my life without God...instead of God.

No wonder I just wind up frustrated and a big fat mess!

There is a way that seems right to man...often that way looks like a new diet, a new venue to meet single men, actively pursuing what I think will make me happy...but the end is the way to death - to feeling separated and distant from God.

I feel the encouragment the Lord had for me this evening, and perhaps for some of you is this: whatever it is, whatever your sin looks like, it is not the issue. He is. No matter how we try to sugar coat it or justify or find reasons to talk ourselves into beliving otherwise, if there is an area of consistent sin in our lives we are not walking rightly with the Lord. The solution is not devising a plan of action to attack that thing or avoid it (though repentance and fighting temption is necessary). The real solution lies in drawing nearer to Christ. He has borne our griefs. He has paid the just penalty for our sin. His stripes have made us clean. And it is abiding in Him that will truly change us and allow us to walk uprightly before our God.

There is a way.

He is the way.

He is the only way.

That is truth and life. Amen.

The. Best. Dream. Ever!

So one day, I was visiting a friend at the hospital. It took me a really long time to find his room. I spent what seemed like hours roaming through a maze of hospital corridors filled with sick people, wheel chairs, carts, mop buckets and, inexplicably, a toy chest. When I finally did arrive at my friend's room, he was in bed with his foot up in a sling and some sort of monitor attached to what I believe was his liver. It didn't look good for what I thought was a slip and fall. And, everything was dark...weird. As I left and walked through what looked like my neighborhood grocery store parking lot, I was greeted by my boyfriend. He was tall and dark and latin (just the way I like 'em) and he accompanied me the rest of the way to my car. On the way there, we had to cross a little concrete median and as he led me over it safely, he turned and kissed me. I smiled, continued walking to my car and humming. Then I realized I was wearing a long, red, shimmy dress...and I was singing. And all of the people in the parking lot were singing...and dancing. I was dancing too. They were doing everything I did. I did a kick ball change, so did they. I did jazz hands, so did they. I did the snap, kick, spin, they did the same in perfect formation. "This is SO cool!", I thought, and continued dancing. I was leaping and twirling and, yes, shimmying my shimmy dress. I even leaned back on a car and kicked my legs up in the air. Oh, and I weighed about 125.

It was the best dream ever!

What abou y'all? Any fun, crazy dreams you'd like to share?

Coffee and Men.

Confession - I love Starbucks.

I love iced coffees and caramel frappuccinos so much, I'd consider matrimony. If the coffee were a man...or at least had arms.

I like to snuggle.

Anyway, as a single woman, I take all the creature comforts I can get, and Starbucks has been a faithful (albeit expensive) friend these past 5 years. My loyalty is proven by my bank statement and the fact that most of the cashiers know my drink. That, my friends, is like when a cute guy you thought had no idea you existed says your name. I remember the first time it happened like it was yesterday, I smiled from ear to ear, I got a little flippy in the tummy and hummed all the way to work. Later, I wrote about it in my journal. Well...not really...but it was a special moment, nonetheless.

Its sorta sad to think that the last time I had a flippy tummy, "he said my name" moment with a man and not a caffeinated beverage was in college. His name was Thomas and, oh my, did I have it bad...like stalker bad! We'd been in several classes together and, though he was extremely shy and walked sorta hunched over ( no doubt from hours and hours of studying in the library), I just thought he was the best thing ever. I wanted to have his half Asian, nerdy babies.

Spoiler Alert!

I didn't.

Proverbs 16:9 says: The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. The Lord has had to redirect my plans regarding men a lot over the years and though, in the moment, it's been hard...at times REALLY hard...in the end what I feel most is relief. Oh, and also really, really silly. Regardless, after the Lord's establishing redirects my steps, there are no regrets. The exact "whys" aren't always revealed, but it is always evident that it was indeed God working out His best.

Thomas is one example. I literally stalked this poor boy and all he wanted to do was read his text books in peace. But there are many other guys who's babies I didn't have. The most recent example played out almost entirely over e-mail, across three states and was with someone I met once and spoke to in person a grand total of 20 minutes. I wanted this man's babies most of all, even though he was a Yankee and liked hockey. I wanted his babies more than Al's Hispanic, muscle-shirted babies, or David's tall, dark and athletic babies, or even Thomas' babies. I prayed so hard and so long, but in the end God said no. And, though the "no" was about as unpleasant and unwelcome as a day without Starbucks, God's wisdom was plain. Each "no" was his best for me and them.

I could sing a Garth Brook's song right now...but I won't.

You're welcome.

Things I'm thankful for: The Dudler

I remember the first day I met the Dudler. It was at my parent's home in the backyard on the deck. He was tiny, barely more than 2 years old and spoke to me in a perfect sentence and with perfect articulation. I was amazed. He then proceeded to climb into my lap and chatter away about who knows what. I was intrigued by this pint-sized person who was at once very grown up and very much a kid. He was full of energy, talked non-stop and was very easily distracted. As time went on and he became a part of our family, some of the things that were intriguing about him became challenges to caring for him. I like him. I enjoyed him most of the time. My love for him came later.

The visceral, instant love I felt when the Princess was born wasn't there for the Dudler right away. He was not a part of me. He was almost a "kid" when I met him. His family situation was difficult, even frustrating at times. He was difficult and frustrating at times. So for all of those reasons, and I'm sure many others that involve sin on my part, love took a while. I remember the day it came though...

I was at his parent's apartment. His mom had come in and we were talking about some struggles she was having fitting into our family and balancing life and school and work. Somewhere in that conversation she mentioned her son and how she worried that we wouldn't love him like we loved his sister and that he'd never have anything like that. I looked at her, tears welling in my eyes and I said "How can we not love him? He's her brother!" And that was it. I was done. I loved him. He was a part of me.

I wonder what kind of man he will become. He is so smart and gets the gospel. He remembers everything and can be so amazingly kind and loving, it just blows me away. I wonder when and how he will get saved and if I'll get to be a part of that. I wonder if he'll be tall and if I'll get to babysit his children.

I pray he will be a great man, a godly man, a kind man. I pray God will keep him for a godly woman and give him a great heritage. I pray he will never lose his amazing laugh or his desire to know things. I pray God will save him young and spare him from all the things I fear await him out there in the wide world. And, when I pray, I also thank God for bringing him to our family. I can't remember what we were like before him and I can't imagine our family without him.

I love you, Dudler.