Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Being an Aunt is hard!

It's no secret to anyone who visits this blog that I am the proud aunt to three kiddos: The Dudler, The Princess and The Diva. They are my heart...and let's face life. I'm single, don't have a significant other, and don't "party" so what else is there to do besides babysit and have sleepovers and take the kiddos on fun outings?

I can't think of a single thing.

But, being an aunt isn't all fun. In fact, it can be really, really hard. I don't mean hard like motherhood and the chronic sleep deprivation and constant busyness and trying to force oneself to be consistant and organized and even-tempered when you are not naturally inclined to those dispositions. I mean hard like on your heart, hard like you worry so much you'll give yourself an ulcer! It's hard because 1) I'm not the momma. 2) They aren't attached to my hip at all times. and 3) I'm not the momma.

Because of items 1 and 3, I have no say in anything. My opinion doesn't matter. I can't protect or guide. I can't make decisions. And I shouldn't. I say that firmly. I shouldn't because...I'll say it again...I'm not the momma. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to, and, if I'm honest, from thinking I know better from time to time. It is something I ask forgiveness for often. Therein lies the impending ulcer and the source of conflict that arises, whether within or without.

James 4:1-3 says:
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your
passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

I want and do not have...then I slip into ulcer-making mode.

See, the reality of it is, that being an Aunt is hard partly because I just love the kids a lot, but also because I make it hard by wanting what is not (in effect charging God with wrong), and not believing that His word is true or that He is sovereign over their lives. Just like the sin in Eden was not about an apple or a snake or a woman, my sin in this is not about the kids or my singleness, it is about me and God. It is about me believing He is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do. Period.

I want a comma and a "but" there. But there isn't, and there shouldn't be. Period.

Like in everything else, I am called to simply surrender. In scripture it is called dying daily. It is just taking every care, concern, preference, motive, desire, habit, relationship, segment of time, ...everything...and surrender it, submit it to the Lord. It is His because I am His. And in submitting, I humble myself before my God, my Creator, My Savior, My Lord and trusting that His response, no matter how it touches that particular thing, will not just be good, but the best. I can't surrender if I don't believe that.

I haven't been believing that...and that just breaks my heart. But God...

A friend of mine asked me the other night, "What is your favorite thing about God right now?"
My answer, without hesitation was, "That He is faithful even when I'm unfaithful." Despite the fact that I've not been believing that He is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do, He has still been very near to me. He has still whispered words of peace and comfort. He has still met me in worship and used me and heard my prayers and continued to intercede for me. And, He has still been about the business of working all things together for my good.

That is simply amazing. I pray this truth will soon be more amazing than being an Aunt is hard.

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