Funny thing, truth. You can “know” it but not KNOW it…know what I mean?
I don’t even know if I know what I mean.
Over the course of the past few weeks, it seems the Lord has been revealing truth to me about a certain situation…a truth I wasn’t too keen to accept. All the while, He was revealing things, restraining my pursuit and even whispering “this isn’t for you.” Though I didn’t plunge headlong in pursuit of it or take any steps in that direction really, in my heart I was holding out for the possibility that all the revealings and restrainings and whisperings were just my imagination or self-doubt.
I knew the truth…but didn’t KNOW it, that is I didn’t accept it and allow it to have its desired effect, which is (of course) freedom.
Thankfully, the Lord never sleeps and he saw to it that I got the message.
But before I get to that…let me back track a little to this morning. In the car on the way to work I decided to pop in a cd of our worship time from this past Sunday. I heard:
"Oh God of strength,
your hand is on my life,
bringing peace to me.
You know my frame,
you know how I am made,
you’ve planned all my days.
Hand of mercy, hand of love,
giving power to overcome.
If all beneath me falls away,
I know that you are God!"
At this point, tears were forming and I was repenting for my lack of faithfulness, for my lack of prayer, for the self-sufficiency that shows, and how it says to God “my plans/wants are more precious!” Then suddenly, like a ray of light…joy. He is my strength…even in leading me to repentance. He KNOWS my frame…every bit of me…He HAS planned all my days…they are in His merciful and loving hand. “Oh let the rest fall away God…let the rest fall away! Let me hope for nothing more than to know you and be conformed into the image of your son and to do your will!”
Those are some big, lofty prayers for 6:30am…and I know my sincerity will be tested …has been tested even these few hours later…which brings me to the “message.”
But before I get to that…after I had cried and prayed and been filled with joy, I was also filled with something else…expectancy. It was such a real, tactile thing that said to me”something is about to happen…this is important.” Even in that, I had to pray that I not insist this something look a certain way…that I would be open to whatever the Lord would do and desire only His will and to be pleasing to Him in my response.
Then I get to work, turn on the computer and go fix my coffee. When I got back to my desk, I had a message waiting from a friend. She said, essentially “this isn’t for you and you know it”. Immediately, I wanted to argue and justify and keep my options open and for a few minutes it was a struggle…but I relented…I surrendered. Which reminds me of another song that was on that cd…
"It’s all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you,
For your glory and your fame
It’s not about me,
As if you should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender, to your way."
Lord, I do surrender to your way…and seek to know and embrace your truth…to be free from the desires of my flesh and subject only to you. Thank you for your correction and direction and your persistence with me. Thank you for your tender care for me. Thank you for this denial…I know from past denials that it is for my good and soon I will see and truly rejoice in it. But now, I rejoice in hope for what you will accomplish…and for the feeling of expectancy you have given me to replace this thing that is not for me. I praise you and your ways, Lord!