Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Yesterday, Part 3

(You may want to read the first two posts first...here and here.)

“We must regularly go to Scripture and ask God to train our minds and consciences to recognize what’s good and evil.” ~ Randy Alcorn

Shortly after lunch, I decided I needed a bit more soul feeding, so I opened my web browser and immediately found the quote above on my twitter feed. It fit so perfectly with the thoughts that swirled as I filled my Tervis Tumbler and caused my heart to cry out and God to put prayer and fasting at the top of my daily to do list. I smiled and stretched, raising my arms over my head as I let out a yawn. That yawn turned into praise. My hands, which were clenched into fists, unfurled and I thanked God for seeing me through thus far and for how good I felt and how good He was to me. This day was feeling like "the old days", the days when I rose early to read and pray, and the background track of my day was Piper and worship songs and quotes from Amy Carmichael or Elisabeth Elliot.

My knee-jerk response during this in-between time has been to try to get back there...to try to recreate those "good old days". I'd lay my quiet time materials out, set my alarm and will myself to get up and get about that old routine. Then the alarm would sound and I'd snooze and that routine never got off the ground. And, I felt more discouraged each and every time.

Fast-forward to today, to me, yearning for what was ... what was lost ... and ready to be done with what has replaced it.  Feeling like I need to look, sound, and act different. Like I need to shed this camo I've been wearing, these thoughts, these habits, these words that swirl around my head and heart and out of my mouth that make me nearly indistinguishable from anyone one else in the world who thinks its enough that they simply "aren't a bad person".

But, so you don't think I'm all "doom and gloom" over here, juxtaposed against these not so pretty or church-facey realities is this...a God who takes thought of me and promises to never leave me or forsake me, ever living to intercede for me, who is the voice behind me that says "this is the way, walk in it."

I may not look, sound or act very different now...But, God.
I may opt for "easy" all too often now...But, God.
I may feed my soul garbage far too much...But, God.
I may blend in more than I am a light...But, God.
I may have no idea how to really change any of that...But, God.
I may still want it to just magically change...But, God.
I may blog about this again and again before I really see a difference...But, God.

He heard my frustrated, emotional cry for help and He answered. This is my God. I have waited for Him...and He has come for me. I will never be the same.

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