My Birthday.

Yesterday, my ovaries turned 37. Well, i guess the rest of me did too, but I'm more concerned about my ovaries. I've heard that these particular organs have an expiration date on them, and the closer I get to that point in time, the crazier my emotions get about the whole still-being-single thing.

Is there such a thing as ovary transplants? That would be something! I could replace my shriveling ovaries with those of, say, a 25 year old. That would buy me at least 15 more childbearing years!! Plus, my ovaries will have that young ovary smell.

Perhaps, I need to stop saying the word ovaries now.

Needless to say, concerns over certain internal organs which shall not be named, made it difficult for me to be excited about my birthday. I thought about wearing a tiara, but didn't expend the energy to find one. I thought about inviting a group of friends to join me for dinner, but thought that would be pretty pathetic. I thought about sending myself flowers just so i could have some sort of nice surprise for the day, but thought that would be the most pathetic thing of all. So, I just went to work, and accepted a friend's invitation to join her family for dinner at their home. A nice, quiet family dinner and snuggling her newborn for a couple of hours sounded really nice...and not nearly as pathetic as my other ideas.

I arrived at my friends home just before 6pm and spent some time taste-testing a batch of salsa she'd just made, chatting with her sweet mom, and, of course, snuggling her new baby girl. In the midst of that, her husband arrived home from work and headed upstairs to shower and change for dinner. I continued to hold the baby. A little while later, after her husband was done showering, my friend asked me to walk over to a neighbor's home to get a dessert from her freezer. She was nursing the baby and he was loving on the other two kiddos, so I said, "sure" and headed over to the neighbors house.

I rang the bell.

The door opened.

A bunch of people yelled "surprise!"

I stood in shock.

The whole night was pretty surreal for me. I didn't know what to do with myself. Generally, if I'm at a social function, it's for someone else...and I am either running around doing hostess things or taking pictures. Tonight, I could do neither. I was at a loss.

A very touched, slightly overwhelmed, loss.

The party was thrown together by some friends from my church small group. They invited a few of my other friends and my family. It was very sweet...and very pink. There were pink balloons, pink flowers, a pink princess pin for me to wear and even a pink cake.

After I arrived, and some of the shock wore off, they played a game. A survey/quiz type game about me. That was pretty fun. There were questions about my disdain for my name, my baby tooth, and, of course, my love of blogging.

I love surveys and quizzes.

Then, they went around the room and took turns saying nice/encouraging things to me. This was the most difficult and meaningful part of the night for me. I just have a hard time when people say nice things to me. It's dumb. I should love it. But, I don't. I squirm inside. I feel vulnerable and exposed and weird. I don't feel that way when people say critical or unkind things to me. I expect those kinds of things...and they are easier to believe.

Yes, I've considered psycholocial help.

During this sharing time, my sister-in-law spoke up and even this morning, I get choked up thinking about it. Since she became part of our family, the Lord has led me to be a specific way with her, to be intentional and consistent in how I relate to her...regardless of what is going on or how she responds to me or how I feel. I've never communicated any of this to her, I just try to do it as much as I can. But, last night, as she spoke, I could see that she got it. She knows it. She sees it.

I almost lost it.

Then she told the "mall story", about the time I almost jumped a guy I thought was coming on to her. He turned out to be a guy she went to high school with who just happened to have a very seductive method of greeting an old friend. He swaggered over and looked at her like a lion looks at a zebra, and I said "you better keep on walking. she's a married woman." Then my sister-in-law recognized him and I was able to de-clench my fist.

I'm a bit over-protective, it would seem.

After that, my friend Lisa spoke. My Lisa. I love her. I want to be her when I grow up.

My friends Amanda, Todd, Brenda, Regina, Steve and Wendy also shared and said some very sweet things to me. I was blown away by their kindness and thoughtfulness in what they shared. I just sat there thinking I could say so much more back to them about how they've blessed my life...and how they made all these things sound so special and like a big deal when really it wasn't...I just love them. But, also, their words helped me to see a little bit more clearly the true state of my life. So often, I feel alone...very alone. I feel like my friendships are on the periphery of other people's lives and don't really make a dig difference. I feel like that a lot...but not last night. I'm very grateful for that.

I think my ovaries are grateful, too.

Quote

Our present life in Christ may be compared to that of the seed; a hidden life, contending underground against cold and darkness and obstructions, yet bearing within its breast the indestructible germ of vitality. Death lifts the soul into the sunshine for which a hidden, invisible work has prepared it. Heaven is the life of the flower. -- Dora Greenwell

Quote

Our present life in Christ may be compared to that of the seed; a hidden life, contending underground against cold and darkness and obstructions, yet bearing within its breast the indestructible germ of vitality. Death lifts the soul into the sunshine for which a hidden, invisible work has prepared it. Heaven is the life of the flower. -- Dora Greenwell

Through the curtain that is His Flesh

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. (Hebrews 10:19-22)

It never ceases to amaze me how living and active and timely and fresh the Word of God can be. I wish I could say "always is" there, but I would be exaggerating if I did. Certainly, there are days when I go to the Word and it falls flat on my heart and sounds like white noise to my ears. Those are thick, cloudy, tuneless days. But, today was not one of those days.

I can't tell you how many times I've read Hebrews 10 over the past year, so please accept "several" as a sufficient descriptor...and know that it is an understatement. In fact, know that, of all of the books in the Bible, I've read Hebrews the most in my life, with one exception: Psalms. Yet, with all that reading, all those times of seeing and mentally and emotionally and spiritually hearing the words quoted above, I never saw or heard or felt those words quite the way I did just now.

"...through the curtain, that is, His flesh..."

Jesus opened a way for us to approach the Father, the throne of God, with confidence. He made a way for us to be forgiven and redeemed and know the eternal life sin would rob us of. As the passage above says, he opened a new and living way, opened the curtain to grant us full access. This curtain was His flesh, which was opened, or torn, for us. When I come before my Father in heaven I come by the tearing of His flesh, by the power of His sacrifice...and only by this way. I do not come by a prayer I prayed, or a list of things I do or don't do, or by my own good feelings toward God, or because I'm not Hitler or even because I seek to know and love Him more. I come through the curtain of His flesh, which was torn open for me. Every time. When I open my Bible to hear from the Lord ... I come through the curtain that is His flesh. When I pray...I come through the curtain that is His flesh. When I worship...I come through the curtain that is His flesh. When I seek to glorify Him...I come through the curtain that is His flesh. Every time.

And, when I choose to sin, to disobey, to go my own way...I must also go through the curtain that is His flesh. Whether I am coming in or going out, I pass through the curtain that is His flesh. Coming in, I accept the gift, the entrance that was made for me and God is pleased. Going out, I reject it, and God is grieved.

Knowing this, then, "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith," and go out no more.

My Hope & My Song today

From "Daily Light"...

You are my refuge in the day of disaster.

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”—But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.” You hid your face; I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy: “What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!”

“For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer.—“Your sorrow will turn into joy.”—Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Jer. 17:17; Ps. 4:6; Ps. 59:16; Ps. 30:6-10; Isa. 54:7, 8; John 16:20; Ps. 30:5 (Read full verses...)

Quick-witted 3 year olds

This weekend, I went to a monster truck show with the kiddos and one of my brothers. Can I just say, Grave Digger is AWESOME! He's in his 60's and completely fearless! The things he did in his truck made me nervous and excited and squeal like a little girl with a new sparkly thing, all at the same time. But, I digress...

ehem.

So, we went to the monster truck show this weekend with one of my brothers and some of his friends. As we piled into the car to head to the show, my youngest niece (the Diva) said "Ti Ti, your hair looks crazy." Now, I'd done something a little different with my hair and attempted to make it kind of loose and wavy and flirty (if hair can actually be flirty...and if it can, can it also be flirty of its own volition, or do I need to cooperate?). Anyway, I thought it looked nice. Clearly, the Diva did not agree. Still, I tried to not take her assessment personally and just said "Ok, thanks." My older niece chimed in next, "I think it looks pretty, Ti Ti." To which I replied, "Thank you, sweet girl."

"But it really doesn't." said the Diva.

She's a quick one, the little stinker!! But she's so stinkin' cute she can get away with anything.

Sufficiency in the Gospel

"The gospel serves as the means by which God daily constructs me into what He wants me to be and also serves as the channel through which He gives me my inheritance every day of my Christian life. Hence, it could be said that the gospel contains all that I need "for life and godliness." It is for this reason that God tells me to be steadfastly entrenched in the gospel at all times and never to allow myself to be moved from there. The mere fact that God tells me to stay inside the gospel at al times must mean that he intends to supply all of my needs as long as I am abiding in that place of luxury." (from The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent)

The gospel = a place of luxury.

I haven't thought of the gospel quite that way before. I've thought of the gospel as a means of salvation; a message of redemption and the distilling of God's great love into one great act and thought, but never as a place of luxury. This is quite a compelling and thought provoking description of the gospel: a place of luxury, a place where our every need is met and we are satisfied...while at the same time become more and more dissatisfied with the world and the desires and cravings we thought were needs before.