Awe

“Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders.”

When was the last time you had a moment like the one above…where all you could do was cry out in awe about the mysteries and glory of God? When was the last time you read something in the Word and thought… Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it (Ps 139:6) or just had to stop like Paul did in Romans and say “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways (Ro 11:33)!” I confess I don’t have near enough moments like that. Which begs the question…Why?

Why is my time with the Lord not typified by moments like that?

The only answer I can come up with is Pride.

If I am really honest, I have to admit that I don’t always treat the word or my time in prayer with the significance it deserves. I don’t always exhibit my complete dependence on God and His word…I don’t always value it as the very bread of life. I don’t always go into that time aware and acknowledging that The Mediator makes it possible…and what He had to suffer to do it. In doing so, I arrogantly approach God…on my terms…seemingly on my own merit.

"How can anyone be arrogant when he stands beside the cross?" - Carl Henry

Lord help me to be ever mindful of the cross and the impact it has had on my life…the bridge it has created for me to get to you…a bridge paved with the suffering and blood of the only good, righteous and worthy One. Thank you for Jesus…thank you for the mediator you have provided…thank you for the reconciliation you purchased for me through Him. Help me to be in awe that I am allowed to be in your word, to speak your name, to lay my burdens at your feet and hear your voice. May I be ever mindful of the cross and continually humbled before you.

Things that blessed me today...

From today's Daily Light...
“He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.”
“Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders?”—There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.—“Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy.”—“Hallowed be your name.”

“Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has visited and redeemed his people.”
Who is this who comes from Edom, in crimsoned garments from Bozrah, he who is splendid in his apparel, marching in the greatness of his strength? “It is I, speaking in righteousness, mighty to save.”—“I have granted help to one who is mighty; I have exalted one chosen from the people.”

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory.

Psalm 139 1O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 2You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. 5You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

Isaiah 66 1Thus says the LORD: "Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? 2All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.

Deuteronomy 10:12"And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?

Romans 4: 20No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

1 Peter 1: 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

How can anyone be arrogant when he stands next to the cross? - Carl Henry

The cross underminds our self-righteousness. We can stand before it only with bowed head and broken spirit. - John Stott

One Year

On July 19, 2004 the Lord began a great, wholly unbelievable thing. In great kindness He convicted me of the sin of gluttony and general self-indulgence and set about putting me on the path to repentance and freedom. One year later I am humbled and in great awe of all He has accomplished. Time and again, as people notice the physical change, they marvel at my self-control and discipline and time and time again I have to shake my head and give glory to the ONLY one to whom it belongs.

I am not a self-controlled person. There are still areas that I need discipline in, badly. Yet though there are long-standing habits and patterns of sin that are no longer a part of my life and haven’t been for a year…I know that their absence has nothing to do with me and therefore I am utterly and completely incapable of getting any other area under control. But, He is infinitely capable…and like He has done this past year (starting me on a plan I would never have chosen and using it to affect change in what I saw as completely un-related areas), He can and will do the same – above and beyond all I could hope or imagine – in these other areas of my life.

To commemorate the one year mark, I took photos of myself. I didn’t really want to take them. Since my last set of progress photos in March I haven’t lost more than 10 or 15 pounds. I spent most of that time on a plateau and have only recently begun to lose again. All the while, people continued to comment on how I looked and that they could still see I was losing. I thought they were just being nice. When I compared the one year pictures to the ones from March, I was shocked. There really was a difference and they really weren’t just being nice…


Still, when I look in the mirror, I see what I’ve always seen. And as my last post exemplifies, my thoughts are also still affected by my perception of myself. In both things, the Lord is faithful to give me glimpses of truth and eyes of faith to expose the lie and strengthen me. He has also been faithful to humble me and show me the pride that underlies my thoughts and feelings.

The past two weeks have been very swirly with thoughts and feelings contrary to the truth of God. My heart has been filled many times with yearnings for things that the Lord has determined to deny me right now. The truth is that He is kind to do so…His character prevents Him from being otherwise. The truth is also that I tend to focus more on the denial than the kindness.

Lord forgive me…you have done much…much more than I deserve. Thank you for your kindness in denials and in things I easily regard as blessings. Please help me to trust you more than I trust my ability to rightly assess my circumstances. Fix my eyes and heart on you…change my heart so that my motives will be for your glory and not my own. Forgive my weariness in doing good…and thank you that your response what to encourage rather than chastise. You are too good to me! I do not deserve your kindness and favor, yet you give it. Remind me of this that I might be grow in humility. Thank you for what you have done this year...and for what you are doing it for.

Nap Time

This week I took off of work to teach Vacation Bible School at my church...I also volunteered to take my nephew and neices for the week as well. I haven't had time to do much of anything that isn't directly related to VBS or taking care of the kids. In fact, this is the first time that both babies were taking a nap at the same time...so here I am making use of the time (and trying to occupy myself so I don't take a nap as well.)

Despite the rough start to the week with my nephew and the less than restful nights, I really am going to be sad when this week is over. I feel like this is what I was made for...though this week has more than confirmed that I would never want to be a single parent. Having a daddy to send them to when they refuse to stop fussing or just an extra set of hands to help get the kids in and out of the car along with all of their stuff would have been priceless this week.

Nevertheless, I will miss the smiles and cuddles in the morning, having others to care for, and even having to clean bottles and juggle sleeping toddler, baby carrier, purse and diaper bag (not to mention my vbs supplies) in the summer heat.

This week has been less spiritual than normal...I have had less time to spend with the Lord, less time to spend in specific and purposeful prayer and less time to even think spiritually...its all been reflex and response, really. But sitting still last night during bible study showed me that it really was spiritual on many levels. The Lord showed me that I am self-reliant...yet also how many of my reflexes have been changed by His grace. He showed me how kind He was to keep marriage and children from me up to this point because of all He has done in me to make me a better wife and mother when that time comes. And, he showed me that all the preparation and learning about marriage and raising a family will ultimately do no good if I don't pray. I was deeply convicted on this score last night.

44 days ago, the Lord led me to both set aside and incorporate various things in my life. One of those things was praying about marriage and for my husband whomever he may be. I failed miserably. In fact there are many things I want badly, that are important to me that get very little prayer time. I was so overcome I had to leave the class and compose myself (and deal with my nose). It wasn't that I didn't pray about marriage and so I am no closer to it than I was last month that upset me...it was what the lack or inability to pray says about the condition of my heart and the reality of my faith. That was truly and profoundly disappointing.

A friend challenged me to look in scripture for verses that proclaim God's trustworthiness...as I caught up on my reading this morning I spotted at least 5 or 6. I "know" He is...I guess, though, somehow my mind has not been fully renewed in this department or something. And I also know that this isn't a back track or delay...but part of the plan so no time has been lost that He did not know about and plan for. I might not have really heard last night's message if I had been successful in praying during the 40-day thing. I am chosing to be grateful and determining to be faithful despite what I see...what I think...what I feel...what I can dream up or imagine...how much time passes...how slowly the weight comes off...how disinterested or unmotivated the men around me seem...how loudly my biological clock ticks...and no matter how severely my heart aches when I have to return the kiddos to their rightful owners.

Testing

My friend and I sat in her kitchen separated by a length of table and a generation…yet in that moment, our lives didn’t seem all that different. There we sat, two woman desiring God’s will for our lives and yet desiring what we desired, and fighting to submit and be content. As we talked, she related to me a recent struggle with an attraction to a somewhat older, and also single man.

“I have prayed about it,” she said, “and asked the Lord if this isn’t of Him to take it away.”

I had prayed that prayer before, too…many times.

“I don’t know if God answers prayers like that.” I said. “It has never been my experience that He removes things which require us to stand and obey…which eventually build our faith and character. In fact, it has been my experience that He puts them there and leaves them there on purpose.”

After a pause, she admitted she tended to agree. We talked about the motive of a prayer like that…how it is purely selfish and does not glorify the Lord at all. We want it easy. But if the Lord removed all fleeting emotions and temptations to sin, how would our faith mature and grow? We would be a weak and pathetic people, indeed.

I left feeling like I’d done something good for my friend by helping her fix her eyes on the tester rather than the test, and remove a bit more of herself out of this area of her life.

Little did I know I was being set up for my own test.

A few days later I was faced with a reality. I was shown that my estimation of a situation was what I believed it wasn't. It made me feel very much like Alice's cat, Dinah, as she listened to Alice explain her idea of a perfect world:

"Everything would be what it isn't and contrarywise, what it is it wouldn't be and what it wouldn't be it would." —Alice, Alice in Wonderland

I was perplexed...and wished the Lord would just make it go away. But it didn’t take long for me to see that I was masterfully set-up. Here I was in a position to pray that selfish kind of prayer (which is also sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy – when the Lord doesn’t take it away we can assume the thing is His will and give ourselves leave to go after it full force and justify sin) so I knew I couldn’t. I knew I just had to stand…churning stomach, spinning head and all. I also had to ‘fess. Now I wasn’t confessing to something I’d been concealing…this realization caught me completely by surprise. I was confessing or acknowledging the truth and opening myself up for accountability as I stood. I was also humbling myself by going to my friends and saying that this thing I’ve been oblivious to, even denied was there for a while now, in fact is an issue. (For those keeping up…this is the same “shaking and scary” thing I mentioned in a previous post.)

Do I even need to say that none of my friends were surprised?

NONE. Not one.

For a moment there I didn’t know who I was! And now I can’t help but be thankful for moments like that when I am shaken and my confidence in my ability to ascertain reality or what is in my heart is shattered, because it makes me realize who is the real judge and discerner of the hearts of men…whose reality I need to bow to...whose truth I need to trust.

I was still reeling a bit from this as I spent some time with the Lord this morning…wondering what this would look like as I walked it out…what this realization would change…how I would respond to it as the days and weeks go by. When I got to work, I read Daily Light and here is what it said:

We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.—“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Reading it again now, I am sort of choked up. There is nothing new under the sun…or anything too big for Him to overcome…nothing I can walk into that does not also have a way for me to escape…and His power in me is made perfect in weakness.

Made perfect in weakness. Wow.

Lord I AM weak…be strong that I might stand in obedience for your glory!

...without interruption

"Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption.” – Jeremy Taylor

I know what you’re thinking…”Finally she is quoting someone other than Amy Carmichael!!!” Well, yes…but I did come across it reading A Chance to Die yesterday. So it is still indirectly from my Amma. :)

I am so easily side-tracked. Let me quote that again…

"Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption.”

I don’t know that I can put into words what this prayer means to me…the effect it had on me. Without boring you by laying my heart completely bare and spilling all of its contents on this page…suffice it to say I was hit with a realization that was surprising to me, yet plainly obvious to everyone else. It shook me and scared me a bit.

Actually I had a lot of “shaking and scary” moments this weekend.

The specifics are not important, really but if you care enough, just go down the list in your head: family, friends, work, home, finances, car, weight, love, prayer, matters of habit, effective service, …just everything…I was either tested, stretched or shown my lack in all of these and more over the course of the past 3 days. I was also freshly confronted with my complete inability to carry out even the smallest act of obedience on my own! Freshly reminded that his grace and his grace alone is what keeps me on solid ground and from plunging headlong over the cliff, freefalling into sin with abandon.

He has put his bit and bridle in my mouth and has broken me…though I do buck from time to time, though there are moments when I want to break out into a gallop or go down another path, He keeps me on course by His word and His truth and the power of His spirit. And I am so thankful!

Yet, I would very much like less of this being reigned in by force…by humbling or having the proverbial anvil dropped on my head. I would like very much to know obedience prompted by love, and without interruption. I would like to see something coming… a stray thought, a fleeting emotion, a habitual reflex …and by His might and because of His love - STOP.

Which reminds me of something directly from Amma:
"If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

That is what I want...to see the shadow and shut the door...not let it saunter in and walk around a while and then fight to shove it out! I know I will never be perfect, but I should like to try as best I can…to be Holy as He is holy…and to have to repent less. To flee from shadows more than I have to fight off sin.

Proverbs 31

A friend of mine gave me an article on things for couples to consider before they get married. The title of it read:

Should They Get Married?
Should She Marry Him?

That really struck me…why not “Should He Marry Her?” or better…”Should Someone Marry Me?”

That was what stuck with me…the question…”Am I marriable?”

As I pondered this, Proverbs 31 came to mind. Until about a year and a half ago, this was a passage of scripture that I grudgingly skipped over. It was for married women and I was DECIDEDLY NOT MARRIED (can you hear the tone??)…therefore I didn’t need to read it. Then I would huffily turn the page.

It was very sad. And I am so thankful that I am not there anymore!

Anyway, I heard someone explain this passage in a way that was totally new to me. This was written by a mother to her unmarried son. It was an acrostic poem intended to help him FIND an excellent wife. So…the character traits portrayed by the wife in this passage are character traits he was expected to look for … in a SINGLE woman. Of course the application of those traits would be different for a woman living as a single vs. a woman living as a wife, mother and homemaker…but the traits should be there.

I had a little time to sit and read and ponder this last night. I read over the proverb and then wrote down the character traits that I saw in this woman. What I saw was that she was: trustworthy, does her husband good ALL the days of her life (not just sometimes or after they are married), works and serves others willingly, isn’t concerned with her own care or comfort, strength and character are her adornment, she sees that she has been given something of worth and used it, helps the needy in practical ways, isn’t afraid of life’s extremes and is prepared for them, presents herself well, reflects well on all closely connected with her, doesn’t fret about – but rather, rejoices in the future, tends her home well, fears the Lord.

Let me add here that this isn't "The Rules" for nabbing a husband. My motivation in reading this and thinking on these things isn't to learn how to trap myself a man. I do believe that the Lord would have me marry...though I know I can't be certain of that where I am now. And, while I do want to prepare for marriage as best I can, I also want to make the most of the time the Lord gives me as a single...to do as Paul says we are to do and make our main focus the things of the Lord. I don't want to wait for some life-altering event...or even wait for a man...to get serious about being the woman God intends me to be. I want to be about that now and seek Him on how He would have me express my femininity where He has me at this point in time, irregardless of what the future brings.

All of that was in my heart as I wrote a list of questions to ask myself about where I am with all of the character traits I saw in the Proverbs 31 woman. When I got the end I looked over them and knew that I’d be spending some time with the Lord on this. I think it is important for us (at every stage of life) to sort of take an inventory of who we are in Christ. The Lord has given us this portrait of a woman who is to be praised…because of her Fear of the Lord and the resultant life of obedience and honor to Him. I think it would be good for all of us to regularly stand next to that standard and see how we measure up…asking the Lord for His direction and Spirit to keep us from falling into condemnation AND to give us the faith to accept and act on His correction or reproof.

I know at the end of my time with the Lord I likely have had a few painful or shameful moments…but I also know that He corrects those He loves…He wounds and He heals…and He intends it all for my good and His glory. It is purposeful and not merely to inflict wounds…nor is it intended to lead to discouragement…but hope that He never starts anything He doesn’t intend to finish or tear down something He doesn’t intend to replace with something better.

I will type in the questions I asked myself…I think they apply to any woman, really and hope they are of some help or inspiration to you.

Am I trustworthy?

Am I doing my husband good…at home…in my thoughts…emotions…finances…in prayer and in my relationships?

Do I work and serve willingly?

Am I more concerned with my own care and comfort than with what is required of me?

Do I exhibit or am I cultivating strength of character?

Do I see how God has blessed and gifted me and fit me for services?

Do I consider those giftings valuable and use them?

Do I readily open my hand to those in need…or do I “just” pray or feel compassion and not follow up with any action?

Am I prepared practically and spiritually for life’s extremes?

Do I present myself well?

Do I reflect well on those closely connected to me? (or do they suffer “guilt by association”?)

Do I rejoice or fret over the future?

Do I tend my home (car, work) well?

Am I making a home or is it just a crash pad/storage shed?

Do I fear the Lord?
Questions I thought to ask regarding this are:
Do I pray?
Do I conduct myself in public and private in a way that glorifies the Lord?
Do I study, memorize and apply His word?
Do I live as if His return was imminent?
Do I respond humbly to correction and chastisement?
Do I truly believe that He alone is my provider, sustainer, and protector …my comfort, joy and strength?

Again, (and I am reminding myself here, too) the aim is not discouragement or condemnation…it is to humbly submit oneself to the Lord and be open to what He has to say…and how He would have us respond.

“For those who bow down low…he’ll lift up to His side..”