Well, I made it home!
The plane ride was very bumpy there for a while...so I just sang. :) The whole "fearing for my life" thing was a good distraction from the thoughts which wanted to take full command of my brain, heart and tear ducts. I didn't need to let them...so I was grateful for the bumps in the sky.
The night before, I took the e-mail issue before the Lord, not so much looking for a peek behind the veil of my friend's motives or intentions, but seeking help, seeking a shelter from the storm of emotions threatening to overwhelm me.
I found that...and a reminder that I walk by faith, not by sight. I walk by the Truth of His Word, not circumstances or what I believe to be facts. He is my stronghold, my maker, my husband and all I truly need. Pleasing Him...not my flesh or another person...should be my main priority. On the plane, He showed me, it should also be my joy.
I confess it has not been. It was not a joy to end my friendship with this man. It was not a joy to conclude that if I responded to this e-mail - which was neither personal nor an indication that anything has changed for him - I would be denying what I'd previously said was the Lord's leading and word on this situation...and that I couldn't do that. The time between these two events has not been a joy, either. It's been hard. It has been painful...mercifully, not every day, and not overwhelmingly so...but enough to make me not like it.
This should not be. I should count it all joy when I am called to do or give up or suffer anything for Christ. It should be a joy to please Him, to do the righteous thing and bring Him glory, to say "no" to what He says "no" to, that He might say "yes" to righteousness and holiness in me.
Many tears were shed the night after the e-mail and on the plane ride home...but few of them were over the continued denial of a relationship with this man. Some were, to be sure...but mostly, I was shown the true state of my heart, and it grieved me. More often than not, I want what I want when I want it and though my tendency is to submit to His word and His ways, my submission to Him is not joyful.
This is a sad thing indeed. But today, the tears are mostly done. I am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, that I've not been consumed by grief or sin because He is faithfully my shield and stronghold, and that "the secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us.” I don't know what is going on with my friend, or what tomorrow will hold, or what God's will is for either of us, or how soon I will see the end of my battle against gluttony and self-indulgence, or anything like that...but I do know what Has been revealed and that is that I have been rescued, bought with a high price, and am now a slave to righteousness...and that it should be my joy to be so.
I also know that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me, to bring me a hope and a future.
Lord, sear this into me and make it my only reality!