Last year, I believe the Lord gave me a word. It was very much a word in due season...and that season continues...and that word still both pierces and heals my soul.
Then, I was struggling to get back on track with my weight loss and longing for a specific relationship. Now, I'm honestly flat out sinning in my eating, the hopes for that specific relationship have been dashed, and I feel very dry...even abandoned. I know this isn't the case. Then it felt like the Lord might be saying "Not this...but I have something else." Now, it feels more like "Not this...and really there's nothing else." I know this isn't truth. Then the Lord gave me this word...and now it is needed even more than it was a year ago.
There is corn in Egypt.
Famine pinched all the nations, and it seemed inevitable that Jacob and his family should suffer great want; but the God of providence, who never forgets the objects of electing love, had stored a granary for His people by giving the Egyptians warning of the scarcity, and leading them to treasure up the grain of the years of plenty. Little did Jacob expect deliverance from Egypt, but there was the corn in store for him. Believer, though all things are apparently against thee, rest assured that God has made a [provision] on thy behalf; in the [midst] of thy griefs there is a saving [grace]. Somehow He will deliver thee, and somewhere He will provide for thee. The quarter from which thy rescue shall arise may be a very unexpected one, but help will assuredly come in thine extremity, and thou shalt magnify the name of the Lord. If men do not feed thee, ravens shall; and if earth yield not wheat, heaven shall drop with manna. Therefore be of good courage, and rest quietly in the Lord. God can make the sun rise in the west if He pleases, and make the source of distress the channel of delight. The corn in Egypt was all in the hands of the beloved Joseph; he opened or closed the granaries at will. And so the riches of providence are all in the absolute power of our Lord Jesus, who will dispense them liberally to His people. Joseph was abundantly ready to succour his own family; and Jesus is unceasing in His faithful care for His brethren. Our business is to go after the help which is provided for us: we must not sit still in despondency, but bestir ourselves. Prayer will bear us soon into the presence of our royal Brother: once before His throne we have only to ask and have: His stores are not exhausted; there is corn still: His heart is not hard, He will give the corn to us. Lord, forgive our unbelief, and this evening constrain us to draw largely from Thy fulness and receive grace for grace. (Spurgeon)
Then, I read this and cried: "I believe, Lord. Help mine unbelief!"
Today I send up the same cry. But, more than that, I am overwhelmed with grief over my unbelief. How can I look back over my life - a life that was very much saved from destruction and death - and think for one minute that the Lord isn't good...that He doesn't have a plan...that He isn't for me? How can I think that this withholding is meant for anything but my good and His glory?
I don't know, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say there are times when I do think exactly that way.
It hurts just to type that.
Lord, I believe you can change me...help my unbelief!
I am willing, Lord,
to receive what Thou givest,
to lack what Thou withholdest,
to relingquish what Thou takest,
to surrender what Thou claimest,
to suffer what Thou ordainest,
to do what Thou commandest,
to wait until Thou sayest, "Go." ~unknown