Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I may not be the Biggest Loser...but I'm a Loser, nonetheless!

I'm going to share a bit of shocking news with you. It may be hard to believe. You may read what I have to say and be all "Psh! Yeah, right!" You may stare at the computer screen in utter disbelief, but I swear on all that is holy, I am telling the truth.

I've never watched "The Biggest Loser". 

That is, I never watched the show before last night. Early into the two-hour premiere of the show, my tear ducts and my psyche repeatedly asked "What are you doing to us?!!?!" and begged me to just make it stop. To say that I could identify with pretty much every single person on the show; to say I shared their pain, their frustration, their feelings of hopelessness, and their shame, would be, well, at the risk of sounding trite and predictable...a huge understatement.

To say that I cried, would be an even bigger understatement.

I cried when the contestants had to take off their shirts in public. I cried as they jiggled and hobbled over to the scale. I cried when they had to say their weight out loud. I cried as they fought and sweat and cried and pushed and wanted to give up during their challenge. I cried when they shared their stories and their hope for a big change and a real life. I think I even cried during the commercials. Point being, I cried...a lot.

The breaking point for me was a woman who would eventually be eliminated. She was a backup singer, stuck there because her appearance didn't match her voice. She struggled through the challenge, fighting for her chance to move to the forefront, but her knee just wasn't letting her do what her mind and heart were screaming for. The other two competitors finished before her, and this woman's chance for the ranch was lost, but her husband and son stepped up, even supporting her physically, so that she could finish the challenge. 

I sobbed. It wasn't pretty.

Well, the moment was beautiful, but my face was not.

Neither was the dinner I ate while I watched The Biggest Loser - ramen noodles. That and two hours of emotion and tears, left me exhausted, and I fell into bed completely spent, rubbing my red, burning eyes...praying for good sleep and the ability to wake up and go on my morning run. I had to. I'd just watched The Biggest Loser. 

When my alarm went off, I didn't want to move. I purposely forgot I'd watched The Biggest Loser the night before. As I got out of bed, I proceeded to talk myself out of my run. ("I'm still really tired from the ramen." "I think, yeah, I'm pretty sure I have a headache." "I could sleep for 42 more minutes." "Man, that tornado dream was weird.") I even started doing some housework! But, eventually, I did strap on my heart rate monitor, lace up my shoes and head out into the dark morning. I hadn't been on a run in 4 days. It was hard. As I ran, I beat myself up about letting that time pass, about how slow I had to go now because of it, about how crappy my dinner of ramen noodles made me feel, about going backwards with those bad choices...and then it hit me. 

Despite all of that...

there I was...


at 5:30am! 

So, I told myself to shut up about all that yuck and started thinking about the fact that I WAS STILL RUNNING. Sure, I have taken some steps back and fallen down a bit, but...I AM STILL RUNNING! I may not be where I "think" i should be, but I'm not where I was. But, I AM STILL RUNNING. I may not be happy with how consistent I am with my diet or how much weight I'm losing or how often/how fast I run, but I am still moving forward, still fighting, still getting back up when I fail, and, I'M STILL RUNNING!

I may never be the biggest loser. I will definitely not be ON The Biggest Loser. Haha. It may take me a long time to get down to a healthy weight...longer than I'd like. Longer than it takes me to get to 40...but I'm still losing, still making healthy choices, still fighting and STILL RUNNING. And, to me, that in itself is a major victory!

1 comment:

  1. O.....M..... GOODNESS, this is the bestest post I've ever read! First off, YOU WATCHED THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I've only been trying to get you to watch it for like 8 seasons now! hahaha~!!
    I cry through the whole season too :P
    I'm so so proud of you Tina, You are growing so much (in the right way this time!)
    be proud, celebrate the little things, and of course LET the biggest loser INSPIRE the crap outta you :D
    now we get to talk about it all season!
    I cried at that back up singer too :( There's people from all walks of life this season, deaths, heartaches, cheating's gonna be a good one!