Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ten Kinds of Crazy: A Memoir

A while back, I decided if I ever wrote a memoir, "Ten Kinds of Crazy" would be the title. I chose it, for no other reason than I like the way it sounds.

If I had to name the 10 kinds of crazy I am, here and now...it might be boring. As crazy people go, I'm pretty garden variety. I'm a coffee snob; I don't like my food to touch; I have issues with eyeballs...serious, deep seeded, gag-in-an-instant kind of issues; I am afraid of heights; I still, 13 years later, have dreams about missing exams in college; I regularly have nightmares about teeth. Long story; I am convinced no one really likes me and that even people who act like my friends are just being polite; I am terrified of brown recluse spiders, though I've never seen one in real life; I have a hard time eating store-bought pastries; and I am generally suspicious of dairy products.

Now for the catchy titles/headings:

Ten Kinds of Crazy by Tina Gaspard (note to self: work on a pen name)
1. The Coffee Snob or Get the Folgers Outta My Face
2. The "No Touchie" Foodie
3. Like, totally, gross me out with an Eyeball.
4. High Anxiety (thank you Mel Brooks)
5. Lost. Missed the Final. Sometimes Naked.
6. New on DVD: When Teeth Turn on Their Owners!
7. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I'm gonna eat some worms.
8. Brown. Recluse. Spiders!
9. Don't Fear the Fake Baker.
10. Expiration Dates and the Big Bang Theory.

Sounds like a best-seller to me! No one steal my idea, ok? I mean, I know there are lurkers out there...people who stop by and think they don't leave a mark. But, I'm tellin' you...you steal my idea and I will find you. My cousin-in-law is a lawyer, so are three guys at my church, so...um...I'll bring it like O.J....legally speaking, of course. I won't have a knife cuz I'm not Eleven Kinds of Crazy.

Or maybe I am?

11. Paranoia on Parade?

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