Unreservedly, Fearlessly His

Take, O Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given it to me; to Thee, O Lord, I restore it; all is Thine, dispose of it according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is enough for me....Alone with God, let us give Him ourselves, all we have and are and shall be, to be unreservedly His. WILLIAM R. HUNTINGTON

There is no stay so strong as an unreserved abandonment of self into God's hand. H. L. SIDNEY LEAR


I still remember, very vividly, my first day of Kindergarten. I was the oldest and the first to go to school. I was also the only girl. At that time, I had only 2 of my 4 brothers. My newest brother, Joey, was about a year old, No. 3 (Brad) was 8 months in the oven...and less than a year after that, Timmy, "the caboose" would be born.

My neighbor friend, Chantel, had already gone to Kindergarten and told me all about it. Since I always wanted to do whatever Chantel did, I was none too excited. So off I marched, with Mom and brothers lagging behind, in my new dress, holding my snazzy bookbag which looked like a denim briefcase with pockets and a really cool latch on the front. Daddy had written my name and phone number inside the front flap in what I thought was the fanciest handwriting ever! Inside, I had my special tablet, a couple of big fat pencils, a pack of big fat crayons and a big flat eraser. I was set!

When we got to the corner, there were several other kids there already waiting with their Moms. Soon, the bright yellow bus - the coolest vehicle EVER in my 5 year old opinion - was coming up the street. I remember feeling something like a bubbling coming up from my toes which wanted to come out as a squeal but didn't. I looked behind me to smile at my mom and brothers, as if to say "this is so awesome!" (or whatever the colloquial equivalent was in 1977) But most of the other kids weren't looking back at their Moms that way. Most of them were crying, begging to stay home, looking at the slowly approaching bus - which brought such a smile to my face - as if it were the giant yellow machine of death.

I didn't get it.

Despite the fussing and crying and screams of terror, soon we were all on the bus-slash- monster. Once inside, most kids reluctantly sat, whimpering in the dark green vinyl seats which seemed HUGE...way too big for kids our size. Others continued to cry and plead with the driver to let them off. Still other kids tried to get the windows open to make one last attempt at convincing their Mom of the horror that was sure to befall them so they would, at last, rescue them from this, albeit cleverly disguised, monster. I sat in my seat with my bookbag on my lap, smiling. I didn't even look back to wave goodbye. I was off, on to the Adventure of Kindergarten and I was psyched! (or whatever we would have said then)

I thought about this as I drove to my parents on Sunday. I thought about how fearless I was. I thought about how excited I was. I thought about how I didn't think about what I was leaving behind (my room full of barbies, my brothers-slash-living baby dolls, my easy-bake oven). I didn't worry about what might or might not happen at school. I didn't wonder if I'd make friends or be able to learn to write or if I'd not be allowed to be mommy when we played house. I was where I was supposed to be, going where I was supposed to go, doing what I was supposed to be doing and that was all that mattered. What lay ahead was a complete mystery to me, despite Chantel's efforts to describe it, and I didn't care. I wasn't worried. I wasn't afraid. I was excited...about what I didn't know, but boy was I excited!

Nearly 30 years later, I wonder...when did that change? When did the unknown come to be such a scary thing? When did tomorrow hang over today with a sense of foreboding? When did worry and what ifs creep into my mind? When did I learn to expect the worst? When did I begin to think I had to fiercely hang on to what is to keep it from becoming what was? When did I lose that automatic and untouchable sense of excited anticipation?

I don't know. But I do know none of it is pleasing to God. And, I hate that it still lingers and infects my heart and mind even after I've given my life to Christ.

Jesus says "He who seeks to save His life shall lose it."

And really, that is what all the fear and dread and worry and what ifs and holding on is...an attempt to save my life. My life that was bought. My life that was saved. My life that is owed to Christ.

Today, a plan of mine was disappointed. I'd set a goal or deadline and it is now past. On the way home, I got a little weepy and apprehensive about what that might mean. Then, clear as day I heard "It was your plan, not God's". I needed that perspective. I can make all the plans I want...the mind of man plans His way but the Lord directs His steps. His plans, and His plans alone will prosper. I need not worry about my plans failing...whether they do or not, His plan is the one that matters and His plans never fail. What other logical choice is there but to surrender, to abandon oneself and one's plans to God and trust that no matter what...no matter how many disappointments or big yellow monster buses come our way it will be fine. We are the only ones taken by surprise. God's got it...and He is good and does good always.

Despite their fears and cries and screams and falling on the floor in a quivering puddle, all of the kids that entered the belly of the beast (also known as the school bus) returned home, safe and sound, happy, with snacks in their tummys and a new friend to tell Mom about. Only a few of us didn't have to hear, "See, I said you would have fun and you did, didn't you?"...and feel the shame for behaving so badly.

In truth, nothing, not even the worst tragedy that has ever happened to us in our lives, is ever as bad as we imagine it to be. And in the midst of tragedy, for believer and unbeliever, there are many evidences of His grace to recount. Mercies that were simply undeserved, blessings and encouragements, favor, and proof that He truly does work ALL things together for good.

Lord, Help us. Help us...help me...to look on the next moment, the next hour, the next day or year or decade with the same excited anticipation I had that first day of Kindergarten...with the same surrender that Christ had at Calvary "for the joy set before Him." Make the truth of your goodness and faithfulness so real that the thought of being fearful or dreading what may come grieves us. In moments when we brace for an imagined blow, may we feel your Spirit convicting us and repent for accusing you of something you cannot do or be. Forgive us, Lord...help our unbelief and help us to be daily more abandoned to You, Your will, and Your ways. Amen!

Delay, revisited.

A few months ago, barely a month into the road I've been walking. (Serious mixed metaphors there, but you get the idea...) I wrote the following. Reading it now, feeling the way I do it has new meaning to me. As I stand today, feeling like I am on the cusp of fulfilled hopes, believing more strongly in God's sovereignty and goodness and desire to give me the desires of my heart, I can read things like this, especially these bits...

The grace of God is given us for real life. He who strengthens and illuminates our today will make strong and radiant our tomorrow.

Therefore, let us stay our imagination on Him and refuse to let it wander off into unknown tomorrows. Trust ye in the Lord forever. Him we know ... [the future we do not.]

And say, more vehemently than I ever have before...He is good and does good! I can also say, there truly has been no delay. We serve an "on time God". He is never late. He is never slack. He is always right on time.

The Discipline in Delay (March 2006)

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength. Isaiah 26:3-4

The King James Version margin gives “imagination” as the meaning of the word “mind.” The present moment rarely troubles us. It is when we let ourselves imagine what may be lying ahead that we find ourselves, often, shaken or anxious or cowardly…the grace of God is not given to us for dreams, creations of our imagination. The grace of God is given us for real life. He who strengthens and illuminates our today will make strong and radiant our tomorrow. This must be true, for with Him is no variableness, “neither shadow that is cast by turning” as James 1:17 tells us for our comfort. Therefore, let us stay our imagination on Him and refuse to let it wander off into unknown tomorrows. Trust ye in the Lord forever. Him we know – for I know whom I have believe and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him (2 Tim 1:12). To Him I have committed my future, my tomorrow. I may safely trust Him, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.

This was my reading in Whispers of His Power (by Amy Carmichael) this morning. It was yet another “word in due season” and a “balm for my soul” this morning.

I don’t wait very well – though at least one of my friends calls me the “most patient person” she knows. I laugh at that because I know my heart and the things that go on in my mind and how often each are very much like a wild stallion, frustrated and bucking against the gate to get out and run and have his own way.

Oswald Chambers says that the most stressful thing is waiting on God…and I know this to be true. I want to know. I wouldn’t mind waiting half as much, if I knew that the end of it all would be the outcome I desire.

I can’t know that and really, deep down (often way deep down under a lot of other things) I don’t just want what I want. I want what the Lord has. I want to walk along the lines He has said have been drawn for me in pleasant places. Yet, my mind…my imagination…draws my own lines, envisions my own pleasant places…and I yearn for them…because I can in some way see them, I guess. But with the Lord, I see only where I stand and not a step beyond. His lamp only shows me where me feet need to be right then…His grace is only sufficient for that...I can not see where my second footfall will land, only the one I am taking now…and I can not know that those steps will lead to the pleasant places I’ve imagined in my mind. What I can know is “whom I have believed” and that “he is able to keep that which I have committed to Him.” Namely, my life…my future…my hope.

And herein lies the battle…to whom am I most committed? To myself or my Lord? To my will or His? To my way or His? To my timetable or His? I find, more and more lately, that I daily have to choose to surrender – EVERYTHING – and submit everything to Him. It is when I try to hold on to even just a piece, a fringe, a glimpse (when I look back at my treasure like Lot’s wife) that fear, anxiety, uncertainty and sinful thoughts reign. But, in those moments when I stop, pray, and surrender…there is peace, rest, calm, and hope. Not hope in getting my way…but in knowing that He is at work and that His promises are true, regardless of present circumstances or disappointments or failures.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength. Isaiah 26:3-4

How I long to know perfect, uninterrupted peace! But I am thankful for this struggle…for the opportunity to remove more and more of me from my hopes and dreams and make them more and more about seeing the Lord’s will done…to see Him glorified through me. And, I am thankful, that all the while…in the midst of my struggle and stumbling and emotion…the Lord is building my faith and making me stronger for the journey. As Piper says, “God does not waste the gift of pain (or struggle).” Even though I KNOW my struggle is because of my sinful and demanding heart!How kind! How merciful! How gracious is our God! He does not spare the rod and spoil His child, but also follows correction with tender words and soothing balm, which brings healing and comfort.

And I am humbled.

All still means ALL

...God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good deed. (2 Corinthians 9:8)


Father, thank you that when you say "all" you mean all. Thank you for this verse that drives this truth home. All grace...all sufficiency...all things...all times. No matter what our circumstance or weakness or temptation, we have everything we need to do good...to abound in good, even. Our "uniqueness" or "extenuating circumstances" do not in anyway override or hinder who You are and what you promise us. When you say ALL you mean A L L...you mean EVERY thing...you mean EVERY time. Thank you for this promise. Make it real to us today, Lord...For your glory and your name's sake...amen!

The Potter and the Fire

But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

When I was a young girl, my mom sent me to Summer Ceramics classes at a local community center. Each year, I'd come home with rather average looking nicknacks which my mom would allow me to decorate the house and my room with. My first piece was a small persian cat. I took the white, chalky form and scraped and smoothed the edges left from the mold, then I painted it, adding whiskers and eyelashes and a delicate pink for the mouth. After that was done, I put a clear glaze over it. I was quite proud of the result and thought, after the paint dried, I could take my cat home. Our teacher told me I couldn't take it home until after it had been fired. She walked the class over to the kiln and showed us a before piece. Like my cat, the paint was matte-looking, nice enough but drab. She also said that a little too much water or rough handling and the piece would break into a chalky mess. Then she showed us the piece after it went through the fire. The colors were vibrant, the heat-activated glaze (which had no effect on the piece before) now shone like the noon-day. My cat went from ok to a shiny, glimmery treasure I couldn't wait to show everyone!

The work of Our Potter on us is much the same. The real beauty can not be seen until we have been passed through the fire.

The fire is what fixes the work and makes it shine before men.

I think, so often, when we read the verse quoted above, we think it stops there. We think we simply have to be pliant and moldable and submissive to the work of His hands. But that is not all. What he forms in us must be passed through the fire for it to be "tested" and in order for it to become a fixed part of who we are. Only after trials or testing is this work then finished and suitable for use in ministry. If we try to use it before it's been tried, we will just have a mess. But if we submit to the fire and do not try to escape its heat, we will "come forth as gold," (Job 23:10) and, all will see the radiance of His glory in us and praise our Father in Heaven.

The Unseen

When Christ was on the cross, those who loved Him could only see the senseless pain and suffering of an innocent man. He had tried to tell them, tried to prepare them, tried to encourage them that the loss would be gain, but they could only stand in stunned grief. In the unseen, though, there was joy. Christ breathed His last and then the temple veil was torn in two, the Holy Spirit came and dwelt among men and we could finally be justified and one with God.

This is always the promise. No matter how bleak, how painful, how dark and dangerous today may seem, in the unseen there is joy. In the unseen, there is a God who is working all things...all things...together for good. Always. He is good and does good...always. He is plotting for our joy and His glory...always. He is going to do that which seems good to Him and is best for us (and everyone in anyway involved and connected)...always.

Think about that for a moment. When we have to make choices, we often explore the options and also often have to weigh the effects this decision will have on others. Often we have to make a choice that will cause disappointment or hurt to someone else. But God...God looks at connections and effects we can't possibly even fathom because while our frame of reference is today and even our past...His is eternity. He knows the effects our choices will have on people we haven't met yet, on circumstances that don't even have a foreshadowing yet.

Father, cause us to pause when things don't look so great and wait...knowing that Your good plan will soon be made plain. You are true to your word and this is your promise. Help us to wait rather than worry...knowing that what is unseen now will soon be seen and it WILL be good! Always! Amen.

The Promise of the Presence

Before Christ, God (primarily) met His people by coming down and choosing to dwell in places. On Mount Sinai, in the burning bush, the pillar's of cloud and fire, the Holy of Holies. His presence was asked for. Before great events or battles, the men of God had to beseech Him to go with them. To worship God involved going to the altar, the tent of meeting, the mountain top. But then God sent His Son. The temple veil was torn in two and then, as Christ promised, God sent His Spirit to dwell in all who would believe. His presence was now, not confined to the Holy of Holies or other external manifestations He chose, but within us. He made good on His promise to never leave us nor forsake us. Wherever we go, He is there...and so is His strength and goodness and mercy and direction and wisdom and power. We need not ask for His help in times of weakness or temptation...it is there, we need only take it. In times of confusion and uncertainty...we have the promise of His direction. He goes before, he hems us in behind and walks with us along the way. All the while, He is saying "This is the way, walk in it." We do not need to look for Him. He is always there. We do not need to call Him down to us. He is always there. We do not need to ask for the favor of His presence. He is always there. We simply need to walk in that truth and trust in it. For just as surely as He lives, His presence is with us and His promises are certain. We need never fear or feel we are powerless against our sin and weakness. He is always there. He will always help. He will always answer us when we call on Him. And when we do call out, we will always find that He is very near and was truly there all along.

Sanctuary vs. Reality

If only I could live in my car!

Each morning I drive to work, praying and worshipping and talking things over with the Lord. I have more clarity, more soundness of thought, more determination to walk in a manner worthy during these 20 minutes than I do at any other time of the day. The stretch of highway looking out over my steering wheel seems full of endless possibilities, hopes, and the promise of strength for the journey. The destination, I am sure, will be good, wonderful, best. The thought of straying, seeking my own way, carving out another path...ridiculous to the 'enth degree.

Then I step out of the car, and "real life" intrudes and things get fuzzy...hopes dwindle...the road gets bumpy and I start looking for options.

As a child of God, however, there are no options. The course has been set, the lines drawn, my steps ordered. The promise is that the path will lead to green pastures and pleasant places, I will one day recieve my "beautiful inheritance". Though that day of receiving is not today, though there are potholes or rivers or mountains or deserts along the way doesn't make the promise any less true and it doesn't exempt me from staying the course.

In my car, I am determined. Disobedience isn't an option. It would be stupid to choose another way when the One who knows all and knows what is best and, in fact, has planned what is best, has planned and constructed and is leading me down this particular road. But, truth be told, when obstacles or difficulties rise up, more often than not my knee-jerk reaction isn't "Woo Hoo! I'm going to obey anyway! This is great!" It isn't even always "Ok, it will be ok. God is good. He sent this, He will see me through." Usually, my first thought is "How do I get out of/avoid this or ensure that I will wind up with what I want." Outside of the cocoon of my sanctuary/car, the world looks very different and my heart tells me that this means all of those resolutions and determinations and affirmations made while inside may not really apply.

This is a lie, of course. Those moments of clarity were given for those exact moments...for the times when "reality" threatens to shake my faith and cause me to stray. They are not mutually exclusive, they do not cancel one another out...they go together. "Reality" requires sanctuary moments. Santuary moments require "reality". Without both, we will never be tried and tested and never see and experience the goodness of God in action. Our faith would never grow. We would remain infants and continue to stumble and crawl around our playpens.

Thank God for the sanctuary and the reality. Thank God that sometimes things are hard. Thank God that He is not content with ideological/intellectual allegience. He is never satisfied with anything less than our all...and promises to give the same back to us in return!

How great is our God!