What I'm not saying...

Yesterday, I posted about letting a dream die. Specifically, about letting my dream of marriage and family die. Admittedly, this decision is prompted by external factors: My 38-year old ovaries, my...um...ample size, my 22 years of datelessness. Indeed, it would seem that every door to the fulfillment of this long and dearly held dream has been shut, at times...slammed...painfully...in my face. But, those aren't the only reasons.

Over the years, or more to the point, with each passing birthday, my singleness and desire to be otherwise have, more often than not, driven a wedge between me and my God. As my last birthday approached, I realized that in a whole new way as I grieved my singleness, yet again. After the torrent of tears subsided, I saw, with fresh (and swollen) eyes just how much of a hold this dream...this desire...had on me, and how much it had destroyed. So, letting this die is also a desperate attempt to salvage what is left of my walk with God...and allow Him to start rebuilding and reordering and redefining the life I've squandered in stubbornness and selfishness.

What I am NOT saying is that God can't still, at some point in the future, bring a husband and family to me. God can do anything and will do whatever He chooses, no matter how many decisions I make or dreams I attempt to put an end to.

What I am saying is that, thus far, He is not and has not given me any reason to construe the past 22 years as anything but a series of closing doors, and so, for the sake of my relationship with my Savior (and my sanity) I am accepting those closed doors, those implied "No's" and getting about the business of living instead of waiting.

Now that marriage is no longer a foregone conclusion, I must now move forward and make decisions for my future (instead of decisions that just tide me over until my husband comes). Those decisions involve housing, retirement, choosing a career, and basically learning to live in a way that is aimed solely Godward instead of "husbandward".

But, first, I grieve...still.

Earlier today, I was sharing some of this with a friend. After I'd typed a good bit, I thought "he really isn't coming" and got a bit choked up. All my life, I always assumed "he" would...one day. "He" has been a near constant companion...someone I look out for, expectantly. But, it would seem "He" was simply a figment of my imagination and a stumbling block on the road towards the life God has for me. I wish I could just "kick him to the curb" and move on right this minute. But, I can't. I'm not there yet. But, by God's grace, I will be...soon.