I Choose.

…I’m dropping these bags
I’m making room for my joy
And I choose
To be the best that I can be
To be courageous in everything I do
My past don’t dictate who I am I choose...(From “I Choose” by India.Aire)

Choose ye this day whom you will serve…(Joshua 24:15)

“I live a small life, [worthless and] small.” That quote starts out being Meg Ryan’s character in “You’ve Got Mail” and ends up me. In my mind, what would make it valuable (which is what she actually said) would be marriage and family.

It’s been that way as long as I can remember…every day was supposed to be one step closer to where I really needed to be. But, it wasn’t long into my teenage years that I began to feel like every day was a step away. I wasn’t pretty enough (step back). I was overweight (‘nother step back). Not a lot of people seemed to like me (Yet another step back). If I couldn’t fix these things, I thought, I’ll never get married.

This thought became the driving force of my life…and discouragement after each failed attempt to change myself to get someone to love me fueled my depression and gluttony.

Then I became a Christian and thought, “This must be what God was waiting for! He wants to give me a godly man who will love me no matter what is wrong with me!” Joy! Bliss! Euphoria! …for about as long as it took me to get back into real life and see that I was just as unappealing to the opposite sex as I had been before my conversion.

Since then, it’s been a battle between what I know about God (He is sovereign, He is for me, He is good) and what my present reality seems to say about my future. And two weeks ago, the Lord showed me that, regardless of what I say I believe and know about God, I have no faith for my future. I believe He is sovereign and for and good to everyone but me.

That knocks the wind out of me, still.

I’m thankful that it does. In truth, ugly and painful though this reality of my heart may be, it is God’s grace to me. He reveals so he can deal and then heal. He showed me this, flattened me with it more like, because he doesn’t want me to stay here. He wants me to really, truly, finally be free.

Free of what?
Fear of disappointment.

I am terrified of being disappointed. So much so that I do whatever I can to avoid it or insulate myself from it or disappoint myself because it doesn’t hurt as much as being disappointed by others. Hence the “small” life…small, in the corner, or worse…at home when I should be out living. I hide behind serving, work, babysitting, chores, money, rest…you name it, I’ll hide there!

What does that kind of life say about my God?

God doesn’t want us to hide. He wants us set on a hill, shining brightly for Him. He wants us fearless, confident in His sovereignty, goodness, power and love.

Enter the song “I Choose”, which is quoted above. Now, it is not a Christian song, but the Lord has, nonetheless, used it to reinforce what He has been showing me and minister to me.

"I choose to be the best that I can be. I choose to be courageous in everything. I choose…my past don’t dictate who I am. I choose."

I choose to hold my cup up to the Lord and gratefully receive my portion for today.
I choose to leave tomorrow to Him.
I choose to thank Him for giving and taking away.
I choose to stop waiting for something that has not been promised to me.
I choose to live the life the Lord has ordained for me now.
I choose to drop the bags of fear and worry and doubt and faithlessness and make room for HIS joy…which is full and overflowing and never ceasing and beyond understanding.

I choose, this day, to serve the Lord…whether I ever have a “me and my house.”