Update

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.

Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!
(Psalm 32)



Back in 04, the Lord used the truth of this Psalm in a mighty way in my life. It led to changes in me and my habits that I had previously believed impossible…and fruit I could not imagine. But, for the past year or more, I feel as if I’ve been looking in the rear view mirror at the great thing God did back then…and it just keeps getting more and more faint. I need to believe that the Lord does not start something He does not intend to finish. I have to believe that He would not have me stay where I am – silent about my real struggle while I complain and focus on other things.

So here is where I am: since Katrina I have gained about 40 lbs. I have been inconsistent in my eating. At times I follow the plan I believe the Lord gave me, more often I compromise, and I’ve found myself eating more and more for comfort again. I’ve not been exercising. This change has not only caused the weight to come back, but it’s effected me in other ways. I’m tired a lot. I lack joy. I’m discouraged and feel that my zeal for the Lord is not what it should be. Consequently, what comes out of me isn’t what it should be.

The dilemma I face now is where to go from here. I could vow anew to follow the eating plan perfectly and exercise at least 3 times a week, if not even join a gym. I could make all sorts of plans and promises…but I don’t know that a list or newly minted plan is what I need most. I think I need to get my head and heart straight first. For the past few months I’ve sort of lived in Colossians 3 and have tried to be as fervent in prayer as I can, but my efforts on my own so far have all ended in failure. I am thankful that I’ve at least not lost the sting, the grief…but I am not even certain that my response is correct. It could just be self pity and not true grief over my sin. I don’t even know if I rightly apprehend what is sin for me in this area and what is not. I think I’ve sort of gotten to a point where food in general feels like sin…it’s either the wrong kind of food or too much food or food for the wrong reason. I need the Lord to break through all of that and give me his perspective, his truth on this, otherwise, I’m just going to keep boxing at the wind.

God's promise is that He hears those who wait patiently on Him, and that they will see His salvation. He says that He has not forgotten to be gracious and that His anger over my sin will not shut out His compassion. Instead, he inclines His ear to me and will rescue me. But for now, I cling to these truths...and wait.