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The beginning, the middle, and end of your course must be dissatisfaction with self, and satisfaction with Christ. Be content to be satisfied with faith's glorious object, and let faith itself be forgotten. Faith, however perfect, has nothing to give you. It points you to Jesus. It bids you look away from itself to Him. It says, "Christ is all." It bids you look to him who says, "Look upon me;" who says, "Fear not, I am the first and the last; I am he that liveth and was dead, and behold I am alive forevermore." -- Horatius Bonar

No Deceit

Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. (Psalm 32:2)

No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes. (Psalm 101:7)

As soon as my friend's front door closed behind me, I knew I would have to go back.

"It's getting late, though" I reasoned. "I need time to read a bit before bed and I really did want to put some clothes to wash. I don't need to say anything right now. If it comes up again, I'll fess up. It's not like this is a daily thing. It's not like I don't grieve over my sin and ask God for forgiveness and fight temptation...most of the time. I've had victory and responded to conviction. And the fact that I just lied to my friend...well..."

Then I broke.

I tried to shake it off and just go ahead and read as I'd originally planned. But, when I picked up my bible, I heard "blessed is the man in whom there is no deceit."

Ugh.

My master weasling skills continued to rule and I opened the bible anyway. I landed at Psalm 101. "No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes."

I think I actually said "OK!" outloud.

I looked in the mirror and replayed what had just transpired in my head, with tears welling up in my eyes:

As I was visiting with my friend, I felt a urging to ask her for observations about my life in light of the most recent sermon at church on hinderances. She thought for a moment and then, instead of offering observations, asked a question. She said she had been praying for me and she felt the Lord lead her to pray about a specific area of sin. "Is this something you struggle with?", she asked. The area in question wasn't anything I'd ever mentioned to her. I told her that it had been an area of struggle in the past but it wasn't anymore.

I lied.

We talked a little more about some other issues and observations, I helped
her clean up the dinner dishes and then headed home.

My chest throbbed.

I lied.

Why did I lie? I asked for her input, the Lord gave her insight and I just shut it down.

How could I lie? How could I do so without even blinking? It is almost impossible for me to even say the "nice" thing when it is not also the "honest" thing. How could I opt for self-protection at the expense of more sin, and in a way that did nothing to build up the faith of my friend.

I knew I had to go make it right. I had to confess. I had to ask forgiveness. And, I had to come clean about the fact that she had heard correctly. This was God's grace to me. I had to humble myself and accept it...no matter how it made me feel right at that moment.

So I did. With tears in my eyes, I went back to my friend. I doubt she was completely surprised. Regardless, she welcomed me in and we plopped on her bed and I spilled both confessions and tears.

Even today it is an emotional thing for me.

But I am trusting that this is the beginning of the end for this most recent season of struggle. I am trusting that God gives grace to the humble. I am trusting that He is for me and determined to bless me. I am trusting that He is kind and will give more grace, and strength, and sufficiency. I am trusting that His will, which is freedom and righteousness, will be done.

And now I wait...not just feeling bad about my disobedience, but endeavoring all the more to walk in obedience, trusting that He will bless my efforts to submit to His word and that His word will be written on my heart and I will be changed. It has to happen. It can't not because He has said "blessed is the [wo]man in whom there is no deceit..."

And to that I say: "Amen."

"God is totally for us now and forever"

"Our only hope for living the radical demands of the Christian life is that God is totally for us now and forever. Therefore, God has not ordained that living the Christian life should be the basis of our hope that God is for us...Christ has performed for us, in his perfect obedience to God, all that God required of us as the ground of his being totally for us forever..."(John Piper "The Future of Justification" p. 184)

HT: By Every Word

Unlimited Mercy.

“What we all desperately need to see is that the love of a holy God is manifested covenantally at the cross. In the sacrifice of the Lamb of God, the Father promises to receive contrite sinners on a daily - no, hourly - basis. The cross says, ‘No matter what your sins, unlimited mercy is available to those who turn to God through Jesus’ merits.’

Having satisfied the demands of His own holy law, the Father must open His mighty arms and embrace every returning son. And he must do it every day. He has promised to do it (Luke 15:11-32, 1 John 1:8-10), and God cannot lie (Heb 6:13-20).” - John Miller, Repentance and the 21st Century Man

(from Of First Importance)

Being Known

“What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it - the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters. This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort - the sort of comfort that energizes, be it said, not enervates - in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good….”

“[and] his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.” (J.I. Packer in "Knowing God")

HT: Erin (http://www.thepivotministry.com/girls/?p=213)

"...your lovingkindness informs my life."

Your lovingkindness,

not my abilities,

not my circumstances,

not my expectations,

not my experience,

not my faithfulness,

not my learning,

not my reason,

not my size,

not my sinfulness,

not my success,
not my unfaithfulness, informs my life...
and the choices I make and the joy I have and the hope I cling to.

Your lovingkindness informs my life.

Day 16 - Tender Affections

This morning I woke up late. I read Romans 8 on the potty. It felt like old times.

Way back when I first started having daily quiet time that is where it began...with a bible in the bathroom. This change of pace and sort of going back to the beginning was very sweet. Though it wasn't intense or lengthy and didn't include journaling or notes or additional devotional material...or even coffee...I left with a strong sense of God's presence and an abundance of tender affections toward God. It continued in the car as I worshipped all the way to work to a song called "Count it all Joy." And it continues now.

This is quite a sharp contrast from yesterday when, for the better part of the morning, discouragement ruled the day. What God showed me, aside from the Gardening Parable was that my focus was off. When I was discouraged, my focus was on what I could and could not eat, what I was doing without and the results I thought I should be seeing. But He says:

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of
righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17)

Eating a certain way is not going to manifest the Kingdom of God in my life. Following a plan perfectly or weighing a certain amount isn't going to make me righteous or bring peace and joy. If I don't settle this one point, I can go no further. The heart and motives are the real battlefield here.

I believe it is true that everything we do is either righteous or unrighteous, lawful or unlawful, God-glorifying or self-glorifying. Truly, everything we say, do and think either says something about God or something about us. The question is...who do we want to say something about? Or better, who should we say something about?

In repenting of gluttony, I am saying "God is enough. God is holy and God is my strength. God demands my all and God is kind. He IS the bread of life. He IS my satisfaction. He is my maker and my Savior." In following a diet, all I say is "This plan is great." or "Check out my self control."

Only one is worth saying or will edify or help others.

This morning, with stirring heart and re-kindled affections, I wanted with everything in me to only say things about God. I wanted to say, to anyone who reads this blog or observes my life to hear: I am an instrument for His use; perhaps to bear burdens, as of pain, sorrow, or shame; perhaps to convey messages, writing, speaking, conversing; perhaps simply to reflect light, showing His mind in the commonest of all daily rounds. In only one way can I truly do anything of these; in the way of inner harmony with Him, and peace and joy in Him. (H. C. G. Moule)

So whether I am successful or not, remain single or not, whether circumstances are fun or foul, or find myself in feast or famine, my prayer is that these tender affections will go undiminished and I can say with all that is within me:

This is the LORD'S doing; It is marvelous in [my] eyes. (Psalm 118:23)