The life of Job

Yesterday, I decided it was high time to listen to John Piper’s poem on the Book of Job. I usually listen to it at least once a month, but haven’t since Katrina (which was nearly 3 months ago! Whew!!)

I am always amazed, humbled, broken and encouraged when I listen to this poem. My response is not simply because I enjoy poetry or because Piper has a way of saying things or pricking my heart as no one else can…but because of the truth of scripture and the example found in the life of Job.

In the opening section of the poem, Piper says “Each day Job would lift His hands to God & wonder why he’s spared the rod of suffering…” Then, when it is obvious to him that the Lord required his children of him, Job says (through Piper) “I yield to what you have decreed…” This kills me every time. His children were what he treasured above his land and wealth and status. Each day he would rise and pray for them, asking the Lord to forgive not just their sins, but their “errors.” Each week he would offer a sacrifice for their sins. Next to his own right standing with God, it was the heart of Job that his children would also be right with the Lord and he was willing to do whatever he could to help their obvious lack of love for God.

I can’t listen to that without thinking of my own precious ones. “I yield to what you have decreed”…I yield to them being taken…to their being horribly killed…to their “premature” death (by our standards anyway). As I type that, I feel the lump rising in my throat.

After Job had received the word that not one, or three, but ALL of his children (7 sons and – I think – 3 daughters) “the servants waited to see what Job would do & how he might deal with his God.”

“At last He rose, and took a knife,
and passed it like a razor over all his silver head,
and tore his shawl and robe,
and fell face down upon the ground and lay there till the dawn.
The servants knelt by him in fright,
And heard him whisper through the night:
"I came with nothing from the womb,
I go with nothing to the tomb.
God gave me children freely, then
He took them to himself again.
At last I taste the bitter rod,
My wise and ever blessed God.”

Piper ends this section of the poem with,
"Learn the lesson of the rod, this treasure that we have in God.
He is not poor or much enticed who loses everything but Christ.”

(Oh, Piper, Piper...how I've missed you!)

When Job went to the altar that morning, stained with the blood of previous sacrifices, he had no idea the Lord would demand the blood of his children. Who could or would think that…who would want to? Who would willingly live through that…and the personal and physical suffering that followed the loss of his children? No one would sign up for that on purpose. But, stepping back from the fear that prospect causes, from the loss and pain, and looking at the entirety of Job…the aerial view of his story…the example of Job would not be what it is without suffering.

I know we can all look at our lives and say, “Were it not for this denial, this bit of suffering, this trial, I would not be who I am today…God indeed worked it out for good.”

Yet, when these horrors knock at our door, we want to bar and lock it and keep them out. But that is not the way of God.

This morning, I read the following:

Luke 22:32 I have prayed for thee, that they faith fail not
These words have helped me mightily of late, and chiefly because of that for which our Lord prayed. He did not pray that Peter would be delivered from the strain of life in a cruel Roman prison, or from a torturing death. But He did pray that, through all that lay ahead, his faith would not fail…So the words were searching as well as comforting. What do I, in my inmost heart, desire? Is it ease or relief from the undesired, the unexplained? Is it any merely earthly good? Then my prayers for others will not do much for them; a fountain cannot rise higher than its spring. Perhaps this is why our prayer are sometimes ineffectual. But the thought swings back to comfort again. He ever liveth to make intercession for us. He will not prayer weaker prayers, easier prayer for us than He prayed for Himself and then for His disciple. He will enable us to live the life which makes the prayer of John 12:27 possible, and then he will lead us on to the place where we can pray as He prayed for His dear Peter. (Amy Carmichael, from “Edges of His Ways”)

We are promised not freedom from trials and true suffering, but that we will be given all we need to come through it if we set our hearts to “yield to what He has decreed.”

There are times when, in the face of suffering or denials (or even in the face of thoughts of possible suffering and denial), I feel that I am clinging “with feeble fingers to the ledge of [His] great grace.” (Job, by John Piper) But, if I listen and take a moment to be still before my God, I am assured that, should my fingers slip, underneath me are the everlasting arms.

"I wish Thy way,
But when in me myself would rise,
And long for something otherwise,
Then, Holy One, take sword and spear,
And slay."

"Lord, grant to me a quiet mind,
That trusting Thee--for Thou art kind--
I may go on without a fear,
For Thou, my Lord, art always near."

"See in this which seems to stir up
all you most wish were not stirred up--
see in it a chance to die to self in every form.
Accept it as just that--a chance to die."

--Amy Carmichael

Fear vs. Theology

I fancy myself my family’s peace keeper. Whenever there is an argument or complaint or any amount of grumbling from one about another, I step in and do whatever I can to quench the flames and diffuse a blow up. I would like to think that my intention is always to help whomever it is think the best of the other (and often simultaneously, put selfish thinking aside). I have to admit, though, that mostly, my motivation is fear.

I live most of the week away from my family. Monday – Thursday, I am about an hour away from home, staying with family and working in another city while our home office, which was flooded by Hurricane Katrina, is being repaired. Every time my phone rings, and I see it is a call from home, my heart leaps into my throat and I imagine any number of disputes and controversies the caller is waiting to relate to me. I fear division, separation.

At this point in my life, that is one of my biggest fears and something I battle often. I worry about being denied the joy of not just having most of my immediate family around and watching the kids grow up, but having an active role in their lives. I think both fears are rooted in improper thinking and can only be effectively dealt with by applying my theology to my emotions and responding accordingly.

Last night after work I went to the grocery. As I was loading the bags into the car, I heard my cell phone ring. After I’d finished, I checked to see whose call I’d missed…it was my brother (the father of my nieces and nephew). As per usual, my heart was in my throat as I contemplated returning the call. I threw up a quick prayer, saying “Lord, give me grace.” And as I set to hit redial, I heard “to fear the worst is to believe God isn’t good.”

The application that came from that word was this: my fears about contentious phone calls (calls which have yet to come, mind you) and all of the other fears says that *I* am the most important factor in these equations. It is saying that *I* am responsible for keeping my family together. It is arrogant. It is saying that God isn’t who He says He is…that He isn’t equally sovereign over their lives and mine…that He isn’t in control – or worse, that His control, plan and purpose are not good…that He isn’t good…that He isn’t capable of working all things for the good (especially if those things are my worst fears).

I do not really believe those things, obviously.

In those moments when I let fear take hold and brace for the worst, or (worse) dwell on the worst case scenarios or become overcome by my emotions, I am believing a lie and saying “Lord, you aren’t really good.”

That was quite a “slap me upside the head” reality check.

This morning in my quiet time, I read in “Edges of His Ways” - a devotional book of writings from Amy Carmichael. The writings are taken, primarily, from the things she wrote to the Dohnavur Family during the last several years of her life…years spent separated from the family due to illness and injuries sustained in a fall. The final years of Amy’s life were spent in her Room of Peace, in bed, unable to take part in the daily life of the family as she had before. From the writings, it is evident that her burden for them only increased. I wouldn’t doubt that she too had to occasionally be reminded that God’s involvement was necessary – her “hands on” involvement was determined by His good pleasure and, therefore, optional. One thing she did know, it would seem, is that her involvement in prayer was not optional.

Knowing this about Amma (this is what her family called her), made what I read this morning take on a more intense meaning.

But are we to go on striving to the end?
No, here is a point to which we come, when utterly trusting the promise of our Father, we rest our hearts upon Him. It is then we are given what Paul calls “access with confidence.” But do not forget that this access is by faith, not by feeling; faith in Him our living Lord. He who says “come unto me” does not push us away when we come. As we go on, led by the Holy Spirit who so kindly heals our infirmities, we find ourselves in 1 John 5:14-15 and lastly in Phil 4:6-7 “and this is the confidence that we have in him, if we ask anything according to His will, He heareth us and if we know that He hear us whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of Him.” “Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” It is good to remember that immediate answer to prayer is not always something seen, but it is always inward peace. And if the day end otherwise, and we feel discouraged then tell him so “nothing ashamed of our tears upon Thy feet Lord…thou knowest all things, thou knowest that I love thee.” But do not settle down in into an attitude of “it will never be different.” It will be different if only in earnest we follow on to know the Lord.

This was followed up, and reinforced, by my reading in Daily Light…

God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful… That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

With these thoughts swirling in my head and floating near the top of my heart, I went to work, plugged in my MP3 player and heard: “Even when I’m unfaithful (or, in this case, fearful), you are faithful!”

Thinking on this some more, I can recall specific instances where my concerns or fears cast a large, ominous shadow over the future, but turned out to be a much smaller version of the devouring monster I’d envisioned. Often times, the mountainous obstacle turned out to be a speed bump…the long, scraggly fingers reaching out for me or a loved one were, in reality, nothing more than dried twigs to be pushed aside.

God is indeed good, and well acquainted not just with our general griefs but with the tendencies and leanings of our individual hearts…with my individual, changeable, easily wearied heart. And I am so grateful!

Lord, help me to rightly apply my theology to my thoughts and feelings. May they say you are good…may my actions also agree with my theology and reflect the truth of who you are.

Even when I'm unfaithful...

A group of guys from our church have formed a band. It is called Undone. They have put together a couple of cd’s and were working on another just before Katrina hit. I have a copy of their first cd and have recently put it on my mp3 player. At least once a day, I hear a song from that cd. The song that comes up most often “for some reason” is a song called “Always Faithful.” The part that sticks in my head and keeps me singing the rest of the day is “Even when I’m unfaithful, you are faithful…”

With this verse still ringing in my head, I received an e-mail from our worship leader. He closed it with this “if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He CANNOT deny Himself. (2 Tim 2.13)”

I couldn’t dismiss it as coincidence…in fact there isn’t much I could dismiss as coincidence.

As I read that, and sang the song simultaneously, I thought about my post from yesterday. “Even when I’m unfaithful (to walk as I should) He is faithful (to speak and lead and correct and bless and provide and get me where it is I need to be).

In my mind (and it is possible that this is only a unique thing for me through the Holy Spirit and will not make any sense to anyone else), I can’t think about the faithfulness of God without thinking of a few specific things…

First, my family…”you will be saved, you and your household. (Acts 16:31)”, second my weight loss “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion (Phil 1:6)” and finally, marriage. I don’t have a bible promise on this. There is nothing in scripture that guarantees me a husband. I am promised that “all these things” will be added to me and that if I delight myself in the Lord He will give me the desires of my heart.

Marriage is a desire I believe he has put in my heart. Other than truly delighting in the Lord, seeing my family come to know Christ, and my nieces and nephew grow up in purity and become godly men and women, there is nothing I desire more.

I believe this is of the Lord, as esteeming the gifts of husband and children is not a given just because I am a woman. I come in contact with many women (single and married) who do not esteem wifedom and motherhood as I do…many with these gift that wish they’d made different choices.

At times, I am tempted to think that I have a choice in this and that if I had made different choices throughout my life I would not be where I am today…i.e., single and childless. But the truth of the matter is that I am exactly where I need to be.



This life I am living now is not a consolation prize, it is not punishment and it is not an accident. It was planned, purposed and accomplished by the Hand of God…and therefore it is not just ok or bearable…it is good…the best for me right now. Right now, it is best for me to be at this job, living this life, with the freedom to serve my family as I am currently being called to do. My singleness has given me the freedom to help care for my nieces and nephew on the weekends, to (without reservation or discussions) open up my home to my brother and his family as long as they need to stay, to live away from home 4 nights a week and (hopefully) show the love of Christ to family members I wouldn’t ordinarily have such time with, and to have additional time to further my walk and better prepare for what the Lord has for me.

At times, the ache in my heart makes it is hard to see all that…but then I am reminded of the truth. Yesterday, it came in the form of an e-mail from our worship leader, which said…some might think time has made a cynic out of even God and that the ‘streams of mercy never ceasing’ have – “we’re sorry to report” – seceded. No, we’re confident of better things, because of just this attribute and just this truth: “if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He CANNOT deny Himself. (2 Tim 2.13)”

He also reminded me that the same grace and mercy and love that seals me eternally, works for my good and (as John Piper has said ) is "plotting" for my joy daily…working all things to my good. Even current struggles in my walk…even my unfaithfulness.

What struck me in the car this morning as I pondered all of this was…though my actions (or inaction) does matter…it really doesn’t because God is bigger than anything I can or can’t do…bigger than the best thing I can accomplish for Him and the worst of my failings. His sovereignty guarantees that even my worst days are for my good…are not just happenstance. They are purposeful and intended to teach me more of Him, convince me more of my need of Him, and train me in righteousness.

This “theology” is not a license for me to go my merry way doing as I please…in fact, this realization served only to remind me that I am utterly incapable of doing any good thing outside of the grace of God. It led me to thank Him for what He has done and to acknowledge my “helpless estate” and ask for the grace to walk as I should today. It humbled me…and I believe that is the proper response to all doctrine. We must be humbled…we must decrease so He can increase.

It is only in this posture, with this motivation that we can effectively walk in the way He has “shewn” (as Amy Carmichael would say), for “He resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

It is only in this posture that we can do what today’s Daily Light encourages…[bear] fruit in every good work and [increase] in the knowledge of God…and present [our] bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God.

Daily, I find I am faced with choices…choices to obey or disobey…to conform or be transformed…to seek my own will or His. As a child of God, in any circumstance, there really is one choice…one way…and we are told that His way is always the best way. In effect, we are to chose as He would chose…and as my Elisabeth Elliot devotion said this morning…"He gives the very best to those who leave the choice with Him."

Lord, let us…let me…endeavor to leave each choice to you…seeking only to honor and please you and walk in a way that reflects you, testifies to you, blesses you. In so doing, let me also leave the outcome to you, and trust in your faithfulness.

"So Walk in Him"

Yet again, the Lord is the Lord…stringing together threads daily to weave the tapestry of His will for me as I walk along, mostly blind…mostly haphazardly. It never ceases to amaze me how He always knows where to find me…and how purposeful He is in what He speaks, how He instructs, where He leads.

In my inbox this morning is a devotional reading that I really haven’t been keeping up on, but when I saw the title in the subject line, I knew I had to read it. It is from today’s Morning & Evening Devotion, by Spurgeon (as edited by Alistair Begg)

SO WALK IN HIM - Colossians 2:6
If we have received Christ Himself in our inmost hearts, our new life will display its intimate acquaintance with Him by a walk of faith in Him. Walking implies action. Our Christian life is not to be confined to our closet; our belief must be revealed in our practice. If a man walks in Christ, then he must act as Christ would act; since Christ is in him-his hope, his love, his joy, his life-he is the reflection of the image of Jesus; and men will say of that man, "He is like his Master; he lives like Jesus Christ." Walking signifies progress. "So walk in him." Proceed from grace to grace; run forward until you reach the ultimate degree of knowledge that a man can attain concerning Christ. Walking implies continuance. There must be a continual abiding in Christ. Many Christians think that in the morning and evening they ought to come into the company of Jesus, but regard the rest of the day as their own: But this is poor living; we should always be with Him, treading in His steps and doing His will. Walking also implies habit. When we speak of a man's walk and conversation, we mean his habits, the constant theme of his life. Now, if we sometimes enjoy Christ and then forget Him, sometimes call Him ours and then lose our hold, that is not a habit; we do not walk in Him. We must keep to Him, cling to Him, never let Him go, but live and have our being in Him. "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him"; persevere in the same way in which you began, and, just as at the beginning Christ Jesus was the trust of your faith, the source of your life, the principle of your action, and the joy of your spirit, so let Him be the same until life's end, the same when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death and enter into the joy and the rest that remain for the people of God. O Holy Spirit, enable us to obey this heavenly precept.

This Sunday at church an older lady came over and hugged me. She whispered in my ear. “You are so beautiful. There is something in your eyes now…I can see Jesus all over you and that is the best beauty there is.” As the tears formed in my eyes, there was no time to be flattered. My thoughts were, “Lord, I know this is all you, and all of grace.” It is truly by His grace alone that anyone sees anything good in me, because I know I have not been diligent in seeking to walk in Him and reflect Him as I should.

My reading in “Edges of His Ways” this morning is again my heart’s prayer…
Father of spirits, this my earnest plea
I bring again, and yet again to Thee
Fulfill me now with love that I may know
A daily inflow, daily overflow.
For love – for love my Lord was crucified
With cords of love He bound me to His side
Pour through me now; I give myself to Thee,
O Love that led my Lord to Calvary.

Edges of His Ways

I recently bought a devotional book full of writings from Amy Carmichael. There are quotes from some of her books, but most are things she wrote as words of encouragement to her family at Dohnavur…things the Lord laid on her heart as she prayed for them or during her personal time with the Lord that she felt led to share.

The book is called “Edges of His Ways.”

That title really struck a chord with me, because I feel very much as if I am living on the edges of His ways…very much as if I am just on the outskirts, barely keeping pace with or walking in step with His way, His will…knowing there is so much more to be seen, to be revealed, to do.

I have heard Him say “this is the way…now walk in it” yet, I can not see the next step and so I stay on the edges, trodding in the familiar, too timid to venture forth. Also, I feel too choked with cares to expend the energy required to walk as I know I should.

By walking as I should, I mean spending the time in the Lord I need to, extending my hands to do His service, having the proper perspective and joy in said service, endeavoring to reflect Him as much as possible, to decrease that He might increase. Sadly, these have not been the driving force of my daily life…things have been more about going and doing and just getting through what it is that has been laid before me. That is not to say that there have not been blessings and moments of joy in any of it…there have been…but I guess the simplest way to put it is I feel that my thoughts have been too much about me, what I want, how I think things should work out, what I do not want to lose or give up.

Even in caring for and praying for my family. I often find myself having to say “forgive me, Lord for wanting my way”…and then painfully having to surrender to the thought that things might not go as I’d like. There may be hurts and (gulp) loss.

Reading in “Edges of His Ways” over the past several days has been like reading from my own personal journal. Each day there has been something that is like the cry of my heart.

When there were no words I could form to pray, I read…What are words when “all my desire is before thee…" Psalm 38:9. And I was reminded that words or no words, the Lord is both aware of my desire and very near…

"It is not far to go, for Thou art near;
It is not far to go, for Thou art here;
And not by traveling, Lord, men come to Thee,
But by the way of love; and we love Thee. "

As my thoughts continued to be many and scattered and unintelligible, I read:
"Gather my thoughts, good Lord, they fitful roam
Like a child bent on foolish wandering"

All the while, I’d been experiencing extreme and much needed quiet in my heart … so quiet that it made prayer difficult (why is it easier to pray when I am distressed?). Then the quiet began to subside…fears began to creep up again…and I read:

“I have been noticing in the Psalms every experience of distress turns to a straight look-up, and praise…Surely this emphasis on praise in the Psalms is because to turn from discouraging things and look up with a song in one's heart is the only sure way of continuance…to quickly look up, and turn our back on the discouraging [and] set our faces again toward sun rising.”

And in Daily Light, I was encouraged to “taste and see that the Lord is good…blessed is the [wo]man who takes refuge in Him.”

And then…
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by thy hand"
--Elisabeth Elliot, from Keep a Quiet Heart

The truth is, I do not need to remain on the Edges of His Ways…I can walk exactly as He has called me to walk. Though there may be darkness…He is there and His hand is guiding me just as effectively as in the light…for in Him there is no darkness at all, or shadow of turning.

He is “ the Lord who slept upon the pillow…
the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
What matter beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?
Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent, and the wind is shrill:
Can the boat sink while Thou, deal Lord art in it?
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?”
--Amy Carmichael, from Toward Jerusalem

He speaks peace to my soul and is the lifter of my head

Over the last several weeks, I have battled great anxiety and fear. There have been moments when I felt as if I could not breathe, others where my heart raced and the fear was so palpable, I instinctively looked around me to see which direction the danger was coming from, and still others where I was simply overcome by tears. I can’t really say that my fears were unfounded or even badly motivated…but fear being what it is, I can say with certainty that what I feared seemed bigger than the reality. My heart and mind were perceiving a giant, and really, the threat was much smaller…still real, just not as big as the shadow it was casting on my life.

This weekend, I think, I reached the breaking point. There were few moments when I wasn’t either crying, tearing up or choking back tears. I drove home Thursday evening in tears, I hugged the kiddos in tears, I fell asleep praying and in tears, I choked them back during most of the daytime hours, but the floodgates opened again in the wee small hours of the morning. I went to church wiping away the make-up I’d hastily applied that morning…after wiping my face dry, first of course. I shared a bit of my fears with friends…yes, in tears. Amid all the crying and fretting and fretting and crying about crying and fretting, I did one wise thing…I asked for prayer.

I don’t know for sure if it is simply the independently merciful hand of God or the effect of the prayers of some righteous and faithful friend…but this week I have had an amazing peace and quietness in my heart. In the times when I did endeavor to pray about the situations causing fear and anxiety, there was none. Disconcerted, I tried to remind myself of the giant that had been looming over me and still…peace and quiet.

Nothing has changed…not circumstances or opinions…but the Lord has come in, speaking peace to my soul and lifting my head.

Today, my sister-in-law called me from Texas. She, my brother and the kids are there visiting her family. She called to let me know they made it safe and to let me talk to the kids. In that moment, I was freshly reminded both of the enormity of my fears and also of the great mercy the Lord has shown me be stepping in and keeping me from turning this week into a fretapalooza.

I drove into Baton Rouge Sunday prepared to do exactly that…to spend the week trying not to completely breakdown at the office, yet expecting some tears at my desk at some point. The first tears came this morning…and they were few and short-lived.

As I sit here thinking over real possibilities, legitimate concerns and just how much I am going to miss the kids this weekend, the tears are there again…but as they threaten to roll down my cheeks I am reminded of something the Lord gave me through my dear Amy Carmichael…"Burnt offerings...even as the duty of every day required. Sometimes we look ahead and things look rather difficult, indeed impossible (or scary). But we have nothing to do with tomorrow, we have only to think about today; and the one thing that matters is that we offer our burnt offering (all we have to give of time, strength, love, everything) as the duty of the day requires."

What have I do to with tomorrow…I need only think of today. Truly, today has enough trouble of its own.

I find it a sufficient challenge to “walk in a manner worthy” on a daily basis on a good day…worrying about tomorrow is the equivalent of putting concrete blocks around my ankles. It is a distraction I don’t need…and is in the end unfruitful, for who by worrying can change one hair on his head?

Today’s Daily Light opens with…The ways of the Lord are right, and the upright walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them.

My worry and fear has caused me to walk the way of the transgressor…stumbling in His ways. There is but one pleasing response…repent. I know the way… now I am to walk in it.

Lord, I know nothing good dwells in me except you. I must decrease and you must increase. Have your way in me. Let this bit of struggle and correction have its proper effect and help me to walk the rest of it out in a way that is pleasing to you. Thank you for protecting me from my sinful ways so often…thank you for speaking peace…thank you for lifting my head…thank you for the battles you have already won. I know your grace is greater than any sin of mine…your sovereignty more powerful than any fear…your mercy more boundless than I could ever measure. Thank you that I have this testimony, and for the testimony this momentary light affliction will one day be.

From Today's Daily Light

Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors.

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he has mercy upon us.

“It shall be a regular burnt offering throughout your generations at the entrance of the tent of meeting before the Lord, where I will meet with you, to speak to you there.”—“In every place where I cause my name to be remembered I will come to you and bless you.”

Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.—Pray without ceasing.

It always amazes me both the timeliness of God and the ability of the Holy Spirit to impart what it is that we need individually.

When I read this entry in my Daily Light yesterday, what came to my mind first was Mary, bowed on the ground, washing Jesus feet with her tears and wiping them clean with her hair.

I thought of humility, not just momentary, but purposing to be humble and lingering there. I also thought of how little lingering I have done, humbled at the feet of my Lord...watching at the gates...wating at the door for Him to come.

I have spent a lot of time at other things...with my eyes fixed on personal matters...watching for some change, resolution, or progress. Too much time, actually. Distractions have been plentiful...deadlines at work, my family, trying to stay connected to displaced friends as I am displaced myself, men, sickness, shopping for fall clothes in smaller sizes...you get the idea.

Then I read:

“It shall be a regular burnt offering throughout your generations at the entrance of the tent of meeting before the Lord, where I will meet with you, to speak to you there.”—“In every place where I cause my name to be remembered I will come to you and bless you.”

The words "burnt offering" have been coming up a lot lately in my readings. When I think of burnt offerings, I think of sacrificing something of value...something that costs...something maybe even precious or necessary for survival.

I think of Israelites in times of hunger, offering bulls and rams...and not just the sickly ones they couldn't eat...the choicest, plumpest...before they had eaten.

I also have to think of what things I need to set fire to...what things the Lord is desiring to burn away, that I might then see that He alone is worthy of my time and attention...that it is His face my eyes need to be fixed on...His move I need to anticipate...His will (not my own) that I need to desire above all. And, not just desire, but delight in...rejoice in...regardless of what it looks like or how it fits in with my desires or plans or hopes.

Lord...get me there, bowed at the funeral pire of all the softening, distracting things that spin my head and sway my heart. Let the flame of sacrifice cleanse me of all that keeps me from you.